WARNING: This Post May Smell Like FART!!

"When is it okay to fart in a relationship?"

This question was thrown at me by a fine African-American brother, over champagne and small chops right here in Lagos.

My indifferent shrug and attitude toward his question which seemed to weigh heavily on his mind, was curious to him...so he probed further..

"What would YOU do if you were in a relationship with someone and they be farting?"

At that point I could hold it no longer...

"I've farted in relationships and been farted at..so maybe I'm not the right person to be asking"

His reaction was priceless!!

"So what happened after the Fart?"

I shrugged again, "Nothing...life goes on as normal"

Now, my friend was even more confused!!

LOL...so I decided to throw my dear friend's questions out here at you guys...

When is it okay to fart in a Relationship?

What is the post-Fart life in a Relationship like?

I warned you this post smelled like FART...hehehe

Two-Timing Tari : Destiny Fulfilled

Mr. Classic felt as though all the life had been punched out of him.

He was only vaguely conscious of the pandemonium that was now inside the aircraft. The wind was still rushing in and it seemed like the little plane was struggling for survival. He himself was now on the floor, having been knocked down by a mighty gust of wind.

The Bitch. The fucking crazy, lost, psychotic Bitch!!

Who jumps out of a flying plane?! Even as he was being tossed everywhere by the wind, and felt a slight trickle of blood from where his head had hit against the sharp ledge of a seat, the only thing he could taste was the bitter bile of his life gone sour.

Everything was lost. All he had hoped for, longed for, played a game for his entire life. Out the fucking window!!

From the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Mr. Smooth lying on his stomach, inching his way slowly against the massive onslaught of wind, toward the aircraft door.

Hatred so intense it felt like a rebirth, overwhelmed him in that instant. All his life he had had to be this person. This person that everyone had to like; this person who wore whatever mask the occasion required of him.

He had to learn to give what people required in order to be accepted. He had to pretend he was a happy guy, when deep inside, he really wanted to destroy every pathetic creature from whom he desperately sought affirmation.

His only opportunity to ever changing that dynamic lay in his ascendance of that throne. Then, he will have been able to control all their wretched minds. They would have done only what he wanted them to do. He would have owned them; made them subject to every beckoning of his being.

Oh how he had longed for the day that would have been. Every moment in his life had been geared toward that goal. The old man had clearly said that the throne belonged to whoever owned the Bitch. Get her lost in your power, and her immense power became yours.

He had been sooo close. But then, there had to be this Smooth bastard contending for her heart as well. A new determination set in, as a single idea was born in his heart. What if the old man was wrong? What if he didn’t need that crazy Bitch to get the throne? Wasn’t the real competition Smooth?

All of a sudden, the wind became like breeze as Mr. Classic found in himself a new reason to live. Who said it was over? He inched toward Mr. Smooth with the agility of a passionate snake. Pity the Bitch had to jump; he had actually loved her.

She was the first person with whom he didn’t have to work to be accepted. It was like she saw Him and yet still loved him. Too bad she had to take an early flight!!

Mr. Classic was now very close to Smooth. What was he trying to do anyway? Was he trying to shut the door? Fucking heroic bastard!! Mr. Classic hurried in his glide; he couldn’t afford to allow Smooth shut the door before he got to him.

He was now just at the feet of Smooth and was ready to give him the unexpected push which will hurl him out of the plane and into the cloudless skies, when Smooth suddenly thrust himself out of the plane and out into the skies.

Mr. Classic was shocked silent for the second time in less than 2mins.

He quickly reached out for the door, struggling with the raging wind, fighting for his own survival. He pulled; the wind caused his feet to give way; he regained his balance and got a firmer grip on the door. He shut it.

Silence filled the aircraft.

Mr. Classic collapsed on the floor, trying to make sense of what had just happened. The bastard had committed suicide!! That was the only logical explanation for a sane man jumping out of a plane.

Wow!! He had been right earlier; the Smooth Fool had actually gotten himself foolishly in love with the Bitch!! Losing the throne and then losing her must have really gotten to him.

Oh well, it’s a good thing he didn’t have to get blood on his hands after all. Now he alone was eligible for the throne. There was no one to contend with him. He will find a way..somehow

But first, he needs to make sure this damn plane lands safely. He rushed into the cockpit..


***********************


Mr. Smooth – 2mins ago

His heartbeat resumed exactly 5seconds after she jumped.

Then he was knocked down by the wind. She is even crazier than I thought. She jumped??!!

Mr. Smooth couldn’t stop the smile that escaped his lips. He found himself slowly moving toward the door. He looked back to see if Classic was alright, he had seen him fall against the ledge of a seat moments ago.

Classic was stirring, so he must be alright.

How long does it take before an object of Tari’s weight hit the ground? As if it matters, what the heck can I do about it anyway?

Trust Tari not to think about the possible outcome of jumping out of a flying plane. Oh, she did think about it alright; the crazoid was ready to die.

She is such a fool; it baffles me how anyone can be so passionate. But how he loved this fool of a woman.

He wondered what her final thought will be if she wasn’t already dead by now. He wondered how she would feel if she hit the ground with no-one there to catch her. He cringed at the thought of her beautiful body being broken to pieces by whatever element broke her fall.

Oh God, why couldn’t I just have loved a normal woman who had no grand expectations of me in her silly head?

For the first time in his adult life, Mr. Smooth felt like he had completely lost control. He had always maintained a disciplined approach to life. From a tender age, he had felt so much compassion for the sufferings of everyone, and the helplessness he felt toward it had made him learn to bottle his emotions with finesse.

He had wanted that throne all his life because only then would he have the power to transform the mind of the world. He will feed them thoughts which will open them up to the unseen good which is resident in every human. He will create a new world order rooted in Love and honor for human life.

He hated himself for using Tari the way he had. His only consolation was in telling himself that she wants the same thing of the world, so will understand. He knew why she was given the gift that could change everything; she was pure.

Smooth carried a great deal of pain in his heart. Pain from the callousness of humanity; pain from the insincerity of friends and ‘loved ones’.

His pain became his shield. It became his armor.

Smooth also carried a lot of anger in him. He was angry at his seeming helplessness toward changing all the suffering he could see. Hence, Smooth mastered the art of Control.

He was the master of his own emotions. It was only with Tari that this was threatened. With her, he wanted to do things he had not thought about since he was a boy. Her open heart and acceptance of the world around her gave her a freedom which Smooth envied greatly.

She was what he wanted to be, but couldn’t bring himself to be.

And now she’s done it again..thrown my entire world out of control. Smooth realized that for once in his life, he had a situation on his hands, and absolutely no PLAN.

With this realization came a certain feeling he didn’t recognize. Something was unlocked somewhere deep inside him. Confused as Smooth was, whatever was happening to him right now felt good.

He let it happen. Smooth immediately knew where he wanted to be right now; where he wanted to be for the rest of his life, even if that ‘rest’ consisted in a fall to his death.

In the same place with the woman of his soul; the heartbeat of his spirit.

He jumped.

Into the skies, into the unknown. He plunged himself through the misty waves of the clouds, blinded to the certainty of all outcomes, but alive in ways he had never known.

***********************

The clouds received him; the winds sprang to action, steering him in the direction they had been instructed. In the same direction which moments earlier, they had carried the Mistress of the skies.

Since the beginning, they had awaited this time; over and over, they had practiced the execution of this particular assignment. The Master had made it clear that even their survival depended upon the success of this assignment.

With pride, they marched through the skies, aware that all other clouds and the winds of the other polars were in awe of their glory, as the chosen ones to bring delight to the Master’s heart.

*************************

Mr. Smooth opened his eyes.

Everything was brand new. The land was green; lush and held the scent of a new beginning.

He stood up and in a moment of appreciation, took in the magnificent beauty of his surroundings. If there was ever a thing as Perfection, this was it.

Then he saw her; no, now THIS was Perfection.

She lay by the brook, the gentle waters caressing her feet as she slept peacefully in the golden haze of the sun. Her loveliness broke his heart, and he wept.

He went over to her, bent and kissed her.

She opened her eyes. What he saw in them would have caused him to embrace Plane-jumping as a hobby. He knew in that moment that death was only an illusion.

This is Life.

She smiled and took his hand. They sat and were united each other.

Mr. Smooth ascended his throne. The old man had tricked them.

The gift was not just in her, but in them. That was the unlocking he had experienced in the plane.

The throne belonged to he who had the gift of Love.

The gift could only have been discovered by he who was willing to give his life, the throne, and everything else, even in the absence of any gain.

He had given his life for this woman; with no certainty of reward at the other side of it.

In doing so, his Destiny had been fulfilled.


LONG LIVE THE KING & HIS QUEEN.

Two-Timing Tari : Initiating Project Research & Rebellion

All my life, I’ve always thought of myself as one little Rebel.

I have a stubborn inclination within myself to always want to do the exact opposite of what I know I shouldn’t be doing. However, my lifetime of experience in the game of Rebelliousness failed me this past weekend.

This had to be the longest weekend ever!! I had no idea how much a deliberate attempt to keep myself away from Mr. Smooth was going to affect me. My mind was inundated with thoughts of him; memories and flashes from times we’ve spent together. Every single thing I saw, ate, felt, heard and imagined, reminded me of him.

What has that suave son of a gun done to me, I wonder? It was the very last of my willpower that it took to hold me back every single time I thought of him. All I wanted was to escape from my self-imposed prison of Smooth Deprivation, and run over to his lair on the 98.1 frequency, pouring myself at his feet and nuzzling my hair and cheek against his ankle.

I wanted to curl myself up in his side and drink in the fountain of his magnificent scent. I wanted to gaze admiringly into his beautiful eyes as he displayed his extensive knowledge of World Politics, Astronomy, Meta-Physics, Human Relationship Dynamics, World History, Nature and every other subject he so intelligently teaches me about when we’re together.

Oh, how I love the mind of my Mr. Smooth. He knows something about everything. There is no question I ask of him, that he doesn’t give an enlightened answer to. His understanding is like the sand on the sea-shores all around the coast of Lagos.

With tears in my eyes right now, I declare to you that I’m terribly missing him.

But I feel as though I have to do this. Please tell me, is the way I feel about him normal?

Are my responses to him natural?

I’ve NEVER missed the Sunday Brunch tradition that Mr. Smooth and I share; but this Sunday I deliberately kept myself away.

I was a nervous wreck!! Made even more so by the fact that he didn’t even call to find out why I didn’t show up.

Could it be that my earlier suspicion of him not caring about me was right? Am I merely a disposable convenience to Mr. Smooth?

But his eyes say something different when we’re together. The way he looks at me cannot be a lie. His gaze is usually filled with such tenderness toward me, like he would NEVER allow anything hurt me.

I really am confused...

So it was a very welcome escape for me, when Mr. Classic invited me for a ride on a luxury jet he had chartered for the weekend.

I was also slightly surprised, I had no idea Mr. Classic rolled like that. But I asked no questions, simply packed a little Vanity Case and made my way into this Classic Flight.

It was a different side of Mr. Classic I experienced this weekend. Between you and me, I felt he was trying a little to be like Mr. Smooth to me.

When I told him about my affair last week, he did ask me what it was about Mr. Smooth that attracted me to him. I told him; maybe I shouldn’t have, as I now get the feeling that Mr. Classic is trying to be a little Smooth to me.

I’m not quite sure if I’m comfortable with that or not. I kind of like Mr. Classic for the person he is.

Gosh!! Not what I needed at all!! There I was trying to escape from Mr. Smooth, and now I’m trapped on a luxury jet with his Wannabe for what now seemed like a looooonnngg tin!!

I immediately felt guilty pangs after having that thought. Mr. Classic was only making an effort to bring what he imagined was ‘wholeness’ to our relationship. I had hurt him with my infidelity, yet he had forgiven me and is now trying hard, even going out of his comfort zone, to make us work.

I should be ashamed of myself for looking down on him because of that. My heart immediately warmed to him, and I proceeded to give him an experience only the hazy clouds could document, if only they had eyes and ears!!

Needless to say, Mr. Classic was speechless after that; but he soon recovered and chased me all around the empty aircraft, for being such a naughty girl. I hoped the Pilots didn’t mistake our rumbling for turbulence!!

I was sooooo happy to have my REAL Classic Man back!! I squealed delightfully as we laughingly played all over the place. I was so happy!!

After a while, we lay down on the floor and enjoyed the silent humming of the vessel, as it cut across the dark skies like a seasoned Predator.

At that point I remembered that I was supposed to be on a mission with Mr. Classic also. This was not going to be easy, he’s such a sweetheart, and I hate to make him even slightly uncomfortable. Silly me, why would asking him any questions make him uncomfortable?

I’ve practically shared my entire life with him; he knows everything about me, down to the piercings I have...

I turned to face him and rested my head on his shoulder as he drew me close to him. Then I quietly asked:

“What was it like for you growing up?”

He lifted his head, and peered closely at me, looking a little surprised. There was also something in his eyes I’d never seen before.

Then he stood up so abruptly that my head lost its balance and hit the floor with a resounding thud..

To be continued...

Two-Timing Tari : Confession Time

So after my solid declaration last week to confess my two-timing to Mr. Smooth & Mr. Classic, the weekend came and my liver began to shrink in size.

How was I going to say it?

What if they unleashed their inner monsters which I knew nothing about on me when I told them?

Would they think I’m a HOOOEEE?!!

And the worst of all..What if I lost them both or even one of them?

For a moment I felt like coming back here to tell you guys that it was all April Fool’s ooooo..the problem is that its August and there’s no way to convince you otherwise.

Why do I place myself in situations like these?! Couldn’t I have just shaat my big mouth and continued chopping and cleaning mouth?!!

Friday came and I had a quickie session with both of them (separately of course). I was withdrawn and snappy, but that didn’t faze any of them.

That’s the amazing thing about these guys..they are such GREAT Guys!! No matter how much I tried to snap and be as grouchy as I could, so that I could strike up a fight, they never showed even the slightest sign of irritation.

It’s really weird you know, but sometimes I actually have nightmares about them being the same guy!! Is it possible for there to be two guys of such strength of character and warm-heartedness..and they both happen to be my Man?!

As in really, I should consider that possibility!! With the advent of Technology these days, ANYTHING is possible..and both of them are not your average Johnny-Just-Come..they know what’s up!!

In the very early hours of Sunday morning, I was with Mr. Smooth in his lair on 98.1

He sensed my withdrawal and stiffness, but was still his usual self: the perfect, sexy Gentleman.

I tried to form vexing so that we would fight and then he’d beg me..at that point I’d go “By the way I’m seeing someone else”..and because he’s already begging me anyway, he’d just brush it aside as nothing.

No show oooo!! Mr. Smooth is so mature; he had a gentle response for every of my childish rants..I soon began to relax..I mean wouldn’t you?!

Very soon, he had me down to butter; as usual I soon forgot every single thing, especially the fact that there was any other Man or even person that existed apart from him..he smells sooooo damn good!!!

Mr. Smooth treated me so good that night, I caught myself a FEVER!!!

I never got to tell him about Mr. Classic.

Later that Sunday morning, while having a very relaxed session with Mr. Classic on the 97.3 frequency, my heart began to pound all over again.

Mr. Classic is such a happy Guy; I hate to even think about anything bothering him at all, not to talk of when I’m now the culprit.

It wasn’t helping matters as well that I was still yet to recover from my Dessert at Dawn experience with Mr. Smooth..my body still caught the shivers whenever I had flashes of all he’d done to me that morning.

Once or twice, Mr. Classic caught me smiling absently, but I brushed it off saying I was just too pleased to be around him, hence the blushing.

I knew it wasn’t fair to be bringing Mr. Smooth into my quality time with Mr. Classic, so I immediately decided to make it up to him.

I changed outfits and danced to D’angelo’s ‘Baby Let’s Cruise’, exclusively for him. He could only watch and not touch.

He later told me that he never realized that song was soooooo long!! Needless to say, Mr. Classic was extremely pleased with my sensual performance.

I decided to take full advantage of his pleasure, by seizing the moment to tell him about Mr. Smooth.

He was silent the entire time I spoke, and looked deep into my eyes as I poured it all out to him.

Then Mr. Classic did something I will NEVER forget for as long as I live: he stood up, came to where I was seated, drew me to a standing position, lifted me in his arms and placed me to stand in front of a full-length mirror.

He asked me to take a good, long look at myself..I did. Then he said these words:

“I see YOU, Tari.”

I swirled around to face him, trying to get a better understanding of what he was saying. He looked deep into my eyes, his eyes were misty, and had in them something so deeply radiant yet intense.

“YOU are my Queen. The very best of everything I am. Nothing..absolutely NOTHING you did yesterday, today or even tomorrow is going to change that.”

His words were like a force that overwhelmed me..ridding me of all my resistance. My knees lost their balance, and I began to crumble to the floor. Mr. Classic caught me and held me close to himself. He whispered in my ears..

“If I had only a little piece of you Tari, it would still be worth more to me than anything this world could ever offer me..”

At that point, I broke down completely.

“No Mr. Classic, please don’t say that…I’m not what you think I am…please don’t settle for this rubbish I’m giving you..”

“Sssssshhhhhh..” he shut me up with a kiss. He gently wiped my face with his hands and kissed my eyes as if to stop the flow of tears.

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that Tari? I see your true colors..I see YOU..and you are by far the most exquisite creature I have ever laid my eyes or imagination upon. Please allow me the pleasure of you..however little of YOU I have”.

There was only one thing I could think of at that point..CHOCOLATE!!

For some weird reason, I’d never be able to explain, this god of a Man was declaring his unconditional love for me, and all I could think about was Chocolate?!

I stupidly told him what was on my mind.

He laughed at me and stroked my chin, while he said to me in the softest voice possible “It’s plain to see, you’re the reason why God made a girl..”

Isn’t it annoying how time flies when you’re having fun?! Especially with a Man who is nothing short of a Dream!!

High on the euphoria of Mr. Classic, I soon went over to keep my Brunch appointment with Mr. Smooth on the 98.1 frequency.

For the first time ever, I was actually thinking of Mr. Classic while with Mr. Smooth. That NEVER happens!! I forget EVERYTHING when I’m with my Smooth Operator.

I watched him intently as he put everything in place for our Brunch. Then I decided to give it a shot..

“I’m in a very passionate relationship with another man.”

His hands stopped mid-air as he was pouring the golden champagne into an antique crystal flute for me. He immediately recovered, lifted the glass and brought it over to me.

As I took the glass of champagne from his hand, I peered closely at his face, searching for any tell-tale signs of what was going on his head. I saw nothing.

He lifted his own glass, raised it to me and said “Cheers”

I was confused. Cheers?!! I just told him that ground-breaking piece of information and “CHEERS??!”

Now I was pissed!! I always knew this guy was just too good to be true..he doesn’t even give a shit about the fact that I’m dating another guy!!

I decided to give it another shot..

“I’m just coming from him right now..in fact..this morning he...” Mr. Smooth held up his hand, cutting me off mid-sentence.

“..And you think I have not known about him ALL this while?!”

I almost dropped my glass!! I caught it in the nick of time as I remembered how lovely it was!

I stared at Mr. Smooth blankly. He continued..

“If I tell you exactly how I feel, would you still keep giving me the best of YOU?!”

Now, I haven’t been trained as to how to answer such questions, and I actually didn’t quite understand what he meant, but I was too stunned, I simply nodded.

Mr. Smooth proceeded to tell me, in his controlled, authoritative voice, about how he had known about my relationship with Mr. Classic all this while.

He was under no illusion about what I’m capable of.

“Why..why..didn’t you ever say anything?” I stuttered

He said it was because he had actually been hoping it will happen this way..that is me coming to confess ALL to him.

“..and I also enjoyed watching you get lost in me every single time you came from him…I love making you forget he exists.”

A chill went down my spine. I stared at this man standing before me..poised, elegant and completely unfazed by my Unfaithfulness.

Could it be because he was also being unfaithful? But even if he was, I didn’t have the right to challenge him about it..

He read my thoughts. “No, there is no-one else.”

I was about to open my mouth again..

“..And it will remain that way, whether you choose to continue with your lover or not.”

A barrage of consolations about that were about to spew forth from my mouth, but he simply turned his back on me, walked to the head of the table, drew out a seat and beckoned to me..

“Shall we eat?”

Like a mindless zombie, I walked over slowly and took the sit he had drawn out for me..

I watched him from underneath my eye-lashes as he ate in his slow, regal manner. As my heartbeat increased rapidly, and my breath caught every few seconds, I finally admitted to myself something I’ve always know but never wanted to accept.

I am slightly afraid of Mr. Smooth.

I knew on some level deep within me, that he is an extremely dangerous man. A wonderfully dangerous man.

To my shame, I began to feel a familiar tremor make its way down to my most intimate parts.

I think it’s time to find out exactly what Mr. Smooth wants from me. From his response to my confession, I suspected that he may simply just be enjoying the thrill of having me entirely under his control.

Hmmmnnn..there’s only one way to find out how true that is.

REBELLION.

Yes, that is my next mission! Let’s see how SMOOTH he will be when I make him believe he is losing his power over me.

With that thought, I raised my head and gave him the sweetest smile even I didn’t think I had in me.

He just smiled calmly and shook his head. Gosh, why did his eyes twinkle so brightly when he smiled.

I wondered if my submission to Mr. Smooth was borne out of Love or out of Fear.
Project Rebellion will reveal all that I suppose.

I fleetingly thought about Mr. Classic also. Could it be that I’ve set these two Men on such a high pedestal that I have become blinded to who they truly are?

Is Mr. Classic’s response to my confession a Lover’s response or is it something else I may be missing?!

Who really is Mr. Classic? What did I even know about him?!

I see Project RESEARCH beginning to rear its inquisitive head..

I guess it’s time to really get to know these two men I’ve been giving myself to all this while.

Commence Project RESEARCH & REBELLION with immediate effect.


To be continued...

Two-Timing Tari : The Classic Man VS The Smooth Man

I can’t escape this life that I’m living. I’m in a mix; I’m in love with two Men.

Two insanely attractive and hugely successful men of the highest quality, who are on the brink of driving me insane with their magnetic allure.

They live on two different frequencies and have uniquely distinct attributes, which somehow makes it easier for me to two-time them without getting busted by either of them.

They are The Classic Man, who lives on the 97.3 frequency & The Smooth Man who has his lair on the 98.1 frequency.

These two Men contribute in giving me the most exhilarating experiences during my weekends and also on week-days.

The freedom to move from one of them to the other, without implicating myself, also adds to the thrill of my exotically sinful romantic liaisons with them.

Let me tell you a little about both of them:

The Classic Man makes me high.

He is like a drug which has become legal because of the euphoria it gave even those who were responsible for the enforcement of its ban. Think the Chairman of N.D.L.E.A becoming the Chief Advocate for the legalization of Marijuana, as a result of how the grass changed his own life.

That is how my Classic Man makes me feel. He uplifts my soul in so many different ways. He takes me through the sands of time, elevating my consciousness to different planes of musical indulgence.

He touches me in places I reserve for myself and makes me want to put an ‘Exclusively Reserved For The Classic Man’ sign in those doorways.

Thoughts of him even when I am absent from him, make me release bubbles of laughter, which swallow me up in their cocoon and take me on a delightful sail in the clear skies.

My Classic Man is a happy-go-lucky guy who is as infectious as the song on his lips.

The Smooth Guy on the other hand..aaahhhhh..a darkly sensuous rush makes its way through my body as I even mention his name.

Yes, that’s the one word I can use to describe him right now; Dark.

Think creamy, luxurious Dark Chocolate; Rare and refined, being poured all over the buttery brown skin of an ancient African goddess.

I’m a very opinionated woman who likes to express her knowledge at a given opportunity, but when I’m around my Smooth Man, I rest my case.

Every single sense in my system is shut down, making room for the awakening of a single sense: The Sense of Savoury.

I loose myself in my Smooth Man. I become so enraptured in his enchanting power and sensuously rhythmic motion that I completely forget everything I am and am not, and take on the luxury of his presence.

His voice is like the melting of ice on a warm mountain bed.

His touch is like a King’s release of passion after a long period of war.

The way his gaze falls on me is like the awareness the Ghost Leopard brings to the forest as his eyes fall upon a waiting prey.

My Smooth Man does things to me that make me wonder if I dreamed them even while they’re still happening to me.

Nothing else exists when I’m with my Smooth Man. It is at the point when I have to leave him that I remember that there is a world outside of the velvety magnificence of him.

This last Sunday, I actually felt the first pang of guilt at my two-timing. I was with The Classic Man, and he had filled my morning with intense lovemaking which had awakened layers of my soul that go deeply beyond the realms of this Dimension.

Knowing my love for God and the journey God has brought me through, my Classic Man signed his name on my heart forever, by singing to me the song ‘Balm of Gilead’.

That took me back to every moment in the past in which I had been hurting, broken and afraid, when God like a Balm, healed me and shaped me into this beautiful person you now see.

By this thoughtful and invaluable gesture, my Classic Man was affirming me, and acknowledging the beauty he beholds when he looks at me.

“How can one Man make a woman feel this special?” I thought to myself as I lay in his arms comforted by the stroke of his fingers against my side.

Then, shortly after, without giving him any notice at all, I broke the serenity of our union and rushed out of our love enclave, without even knowing what I was going after myself.

I found myself unconsciously making my way to the 98.1 frequency to join my Smooth Man for Brunch.

His kind eyes and disarming smile welcomed me as he served me with the quiet dignity of a King providing for his Queen.

If only he knew where I had been only moments before. I wondered if my Classic Man’s breezy scent still lingered on me.

I soon forgot that and everything else as my Smooth Man drew me into himself with his grand chariots and enthroned me upon the sacred throne of his heart.

Oh God, why have you blessed me with the love of these two glorious Kings, and then imposed the curse of a conscience upon my unfaithful heart?

I don’t want to lie and cheat these two men anymore. They don’t deserve to be treated this way by me or even anyone else.

I’m going to come clean with both of them by letting each one in on the existence of the other, since I'm definitely not willing to let go of either.

I hope they’ll be satisfied in the fact that there is no Main Squeeze or Side Chick in my affair with them.

They are both my Kings and I promise to love them both with equal passion and commitment.

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN.

So What Does Seun Anikulapo-Kuti Do Just Before Every Show?!

Believe it or not, he drinks TEA!!!





Then cracks everyone in his 'Green Room' up with the most ridiculous stories and his very REAL, yet somewhat OFF perspectives on Social Issues..



..gets interrupted as he catches the dreaded Blackberry Bug..



Sneaks off into Space sometimes..



Then returns to Earth to tune his 'Hercules' Saxophone..



Receives mysterious guests who bring their own Saxophones..and HOOTTT shoes along..


(whispering)Don't tell anyone..It's Dede Mabiaku

Well, and then a lil' somthin-somthin before he hits the stage..



His Pastor has advised Seun to desist from any form of 'Inhalation', but he replied his Pastor saying, "To get to the most high, you have to be at least..High".

AFROBEAT LIVES ON.


Seun Anikulapo-Kuti

My Weekend In Pictures

My weekend began on Thursday with Yvonne being a retard..



Just in case you're wondering, you do know Thursday is the new Friday in Lagos, right?!!

Friday evening, hung out with my sister at a small party in Lekki..


My sister Tonbofa Ashimi & Funke Kuti

Later came back home to my lover..


Me n Mr Timbuktu

Mr Timbuktu is sooo cool and trendy!! Check out his complete outfit..





May I state right now that it was my niece, Lande, who dressed him!! He was hers until she gave him to me. So I renamed him and he's been such a delight since!!

Saturday began with an early Breakfast fellowship, which Toni Tones came with me for at Victoria Garden City (VGC)..


Me & Toni

The Breakfast was superb..and we learned a new concept which we haven't been able to stop saying 'Mastered Inactivity'!!

And then Toni decides she MUST have Super-Yogo by ALL means!! Unfortunately, none of the street hawkers had for sale, so we went to check the Mall and ended up window-shopping for the next 2 hours!!

Then we went to hang out with some crazy people like this...


Toni, Me, Yvonne & the person whose eyes you can only see is Juwon Ogundipe

It got more interesting soon after, as others came to join...


Toni, Jecinta, Juwon, Toke Makinwa & Yvonne

After a few hours of non-stop laughing as we were being instructed on how to shake our booties without moving the rest of our bodies, we decided we needed some REHAB!!


The Wicked Witches of Rehab: Jecinta, Yvonne, Juwon & Toni


You probably think this is a Cosmopolitan, but things ain't always what they seem...hehehe


Jecinta Powell


Yvonne Nwosu

After church on Sunday (YES..I made it!!!), I had a fabulous and gruelling photo-shoot with Toni Tones!!

We sooo had to treat ourselves afterward..



Was a great weekend all in all!! Glad I finally had a good night's sleep on Sunday night!!!

By the way, I now live my entire life on Twitter..so if you want a front-row seat to my sometimes haphazard existence, follow Tari Ekiyor on Twitter.

Have a great week!!

The Lover Girl VS The Sucker Girl

Lagos – The Land of Opportunity

Indeed. For a Single Girl looking for a relationship in which she can have ALL her needs met.

Now depending on what those needs are, Lagos provides just the right blend of men to satisfy the needs of the very demanding Single Girl.

There are two kinds of Single girls in Lagos (well, more actually, but for the purpose of this blog post) the Lover Girl & the Sucker Girl.

The Lover Girl is defined by the obvious: she believes in love. She might have had her heart broken and barbequed thousands of times, but she’ll still offer the pieces to the next deserving (in her mind) man that comes along.

The Lover Girl never tires of giving of herself, her resources and her heart; she will go to any length for a Man just as long as he is giving her the one thing that she desires – good loving.

The Sucker Girl on the other hand, has one mission and one mission alone: to hoover a Man of everything he’s got. His money, his connections (I hate that word!!), and any other thing that has the capacity to elevate her out of her present reality up unto a more desired level of comfort or achievement.

The Sucker Girl has over time hardened her heart to expecting any love; to her the language of love is chi-ching!!

If you love me you will DRROOOOPPPP for me!! She has no time for long thing.

She doesn’t even bother with any long conversations with a new guy if he doesn’t pass her initial Bling Test. The Sucker Girl always seems to be in full control of what’s going on and would only play the Love Game if it puts her in a better chance of getting more from the Man.

She is very intelligent when it comes to identifying the needs of the man she’s hoovering, and will shoot her Love game up if it’s something she identifies that he needs. That for her is usually quite a hassle as she would have preferred if the guy could just understand the relationship for the Arrangement that it is, rather than expecting her to now listen to his issues, or do any of those Lover things.

The few times she even considers loving, because she has been so brutally judged by all for her Sucking, she is not taken seriously and so she withdraws and hardens her shell, positioning herself for more intense Suckery. She will only love on her own terms and especially with someone who she may even know is Sucking on her.

The Lover Girl doesn’t care too much for money. If it comes with the Love Package, she will enjoy it but it never becomes her primary reason for being in a Relationship. The danger of being a Lover Girl however is that there is no available Insurance to take out on the certainty that your heart will be crushed.

We all know this town is rough, and the Lover Girl knows it too, but still insists in taking chances with her heart. Unlike the Sucker Girl, she is often perceived as weak and helpless and for the most part, feels that way.

Even when she tries to harden up and take rather than give, she finds herself falling back to her old ways because let’s face it, it’s just not who she is.

Either way it’s not easy being a Lover Girl or a Sucker Girl in Lagos. It’s not easy whether you choose to go for the Man OR for the Money.

Both have their own hazards but everyone still survives one way or the other. After all, this is Lagos, Survival is the name of the Game.

Addicts Anonymous

Had a great time this evening (now yesterday) with Yvonne and Jecinta!!

The evening began with me scaring them to bits at Yvonne’s by pouncing on them like a masquerade after a silent entry. They were still screaming looonnggg after they knew it was me!! LMAO..Gosh, I love people’s natural responses to situations...its mad fun to watch!!


Jecinta

After that, we went to Fusion on Awolowo Road, where I watched them literally fall maga to all the, I must admit, EXCELLENT Sales pitches from the Super Stylish Korede Roberts.

The guy knows his Luxury abeg!! I couldn’t take my eyes off his shoes the entire time we were there..like those shoes were SICK!!!

The only thing that saved me from falling into MagaStream like my friends, was the fact that I’ve decided to stop Impulse Buying, otherwise I would have wanted every single pair of Linda Farrow sunglasses, the MAAADDD blaaaccckkk skinny jeans, white jeans, then probably ALL the belts for sale!! Then maybe also the very preppy, sexy jacket for a guy friend.

So seeing that me anywhere near those things was bad for my SAVE MORE Plan, I just shrunk into a corner as far away from the racks and closets as possible.


Yvonne wearing VONNE

From there we went to the place we call our ‘Beer Parlour’, Bungalows for a few drinks. That was crazy fun in spite of the fact that we had our drinks and made all our noise in front of a young Church Fellowship who had chosen Bungalows for their dinner meeting.

We, the heathen, didn’t spend too much time worrying about that and had us a FUN, FUN evening, spiced with lots of glances from the Church folks!!

I teased Yvonne and Jecinta that we should take the bottle of Magnum Hennessey on display home and do Justice to it. Jecinta responded saying that the Hennessey would instead do Justice to us by bringing out koboko and flogging us well well!!

I couldn’t stop laughing as images of a bottle of Henny wearing glasses and holding a koboko to flog us with invaded my mind!



Back at Fusion, Korede said something that stuck in my head after I accused him of wanting to get high on his own Luxury supply..”Everyone’s gotta have something they’re addicted to now.”

Alright, I know I can’t get enough of funky sunglasses, vintage purses, and sometimes also, Attention. So tell me What’s Your Addiction?!

Sex & The City 2 Premiere in Lagos

Finally, what we've ALL been waiting for - SATC 2!! We rocked the Premiere as it can only be done in Lagos!!




Titi of Inspiration FM



Grace Egbagbe


Spice TV's Tracy Nwapa interviewing MI



Dayo Adeneye (D1), Mary Ali-Baba and other guests


IK Osakioduwa anchoring the event




Noble Igwe (Lagos Trust fund kid...Lol)


Eunice Omole of Apprentice Africa



Spice TV's Tracy Nwapa


Wana Udobang of Inspiration FM




Tari Ekiyor


Zamaye (love her dress!!)


Omowunmi Akinnifesi - former Most beuatiful Girl in Nig (on the right)




Mai Atafo (Stylist & Designer), Wana Udobang & Moi


Tari & Ik Osakioduwa

Top 5 Flirt-Devors That Are Destined To Fail

Flirting is the process by which a sexual or romantic interest is initially communicated through certain gestures, words and/or physical contact.

If you’ve NEVER flirted before, then you might need to take a Test of Human-ness!! Most likely, not all your flirt-devors (flirt endeavors hahaha) have worked; some may have landed you a drink over your head, a slap or two, a hiss, or even the most harmless but worst form of rejection..being Ignored.



Whatever the case, there is hope for you, as TARIERE is giving you tips on the cursed forms of Flirtation. Knowing these will definitely set you on the right path, whether you’re a girl or guy..

1. Spaced -Out: The right to maintain and have your Personal space respected is a natural right. Crowding someone to communicate your interest is a NO-No pleeaassee!! Forget all those silly Mills & Boons that would go “..and when he towered over me and overpowered me with his stably cologne…my heart stopped and I felt dizzy at the thickness of his gaze..” All that one does not work in Naija ooo..the sun is already too hot!! We need space to breathe!! Keeping a respectable distance while trying to talk to me for the first time tells me that you respect me and are not too presumptuous about how I’ll respond to you.

2. Pick-Up Lines: As in seriously, who invented these?! Why have they not become extinct?? Do they even work? I’d like to know one person that has ever had a successful relationship based on a pick-up line!! Maybe it’s cos I’m a Writer, but seriously, I wouldn’t even acknowledge a guy who comes and uses a pick-up line to try to talk to me. Whatever happened to being original and coming up with your own?! I can’t stand Copy n Paste guys so that’s a definite destined to fail Flirt-devor for me!!

3. Over-confident Aggression: I thought I was going to pass out with irritation yesterday while trying to have a quiet lunch by myself at a little Delicatessen tucked somewhere in V.I., and I kept being harassed by some loud and very full of himself man!! I came in alone, was sitting alone, and clearly wanted to be alone, so what on earth made him believe that by aggressively telling me over and over again to come and sit with him, I would somehow swoon and start rubbing his pot belly, I’d never know. As a woman (and I know its same with guys) I looove attention and so I want to believe that when a guy is flirting with me, it’s because of Me and not what he believes about himself. I want to see that he finds me attractive and wants to be with me, not that he thinks he’s the best thing that can happen to me just cos he’s rich, good-looking or influential.

4. Lewd or Sexual Overtures: I’m sorry ooo, some people probably think these are sexy, but I personally find them disgusting!! Till today, I lost all respect for one particular guy, who I know lots of girls who'll bark like dogs if he asks them to, just because he was trying to flirt with my friend and you wouldn’t believe what he did..he LICKED his lips!! Aahhhhhh..imagine standing with someone, staring intently at each other (cos he is really HHOOTT) and all of a sudden, he 360degrees licks his lips!! My friend almost tripped as she tried to run away in disgust!! Whatever happened to Subtlety?! And Girls..leaning over to ‘reach’ for something and ‘accidentally’ bumping your cleavage in his face?! Sooooo not sexy!! Destined to fail Sexual Flirt-devors also includes un-called for references to specific body parts on the other person.

5. Verbal Sexual Overtures: Part 2 of number 4 above, which has to do with situations like these: maybe I say “OMG…that’s sooo huge!!” talking about maybe an ice-cream cone or something random and guy responds saying “yeah, I get told that a lot”!! Loooll..alright tell me that’s not annoying. Can’t think of other even more annoying ones right now but GOOSSHH!!

So those are my 5 Destined to Fail Flirt-devors!! These apply for guys and girls..I know I’m speaking mostly from the girl perspective because it’s what I know but I’m certain that we girls also do some or all of these.

Please feel free to fill in any blanks I’ve left out...