The Chink In My Armour

I have come to realise more and more with each day that passes, that the secret to standing strong in the glare of Public Criticism, is being non-reactive to all feedback - positive and negative.

Naturally, the positive evokes good feelings from within us, and makes us feel pretty good about our skill, and generally about ourselves.

The negative on the other hand, has the directly reverse effect. Like a guided missile, it targets the very core of our self-esteem, with a precise assignment to destroy.

I have been hit regularly by the arrow in the past, and it usually left me for days on end doubting my skill, my value, and ultimately, myself.

It was in one moment of clarity that I realised that my value as a Writer and as a Human Being, was not dependent on anyone's judgement or opinion.

Oh...the liberty I experienced in that timeless moment!!

After that, I learned to appreciate the positive feedback with a simple nod and half-smile, while also receiving the negative and downright mean with the same gesture.

The ability to do that is enabled by a simple approach: I have determined my own measure of success for every piece of work that comes from me.

"Does this material meet my standard?" I'd ask myself. Interestingly, there are some material I put out, which even after releasing, I knew deep in my heart it did not measure up to my standard of quality...but everyone would actually RAVE about it!!

At those times, I laugh in the quietness of my heart and silently thank God for the day He released me from the bondage of Public Affirmation.

However, once in a while, I sadly discover that there still exists a chink in my armour. An expectation which gives access to either the rose or the missile.

Then at the point I realise I've been hit, its a little too late. The weakness sets in, the blood oozes out and the seed takes root.

In that moment, I lift up my eyes. I say to the One who girded me in the armour in the first place..."I'm sorry, I misplaced my expectation"

And in His mercy, He uproots the deeply entrenched (and still travelling) root; He stops the flow of blood and seals up the wound. Then He blocks the chink in my armour and sows a new seed in my heart: His seed.

So here I am; brand new all over again!! A fresh armour, a renewed mind and a contented heart.

If you or anyone you know is ever going to thrive in the face of Public (and even Private)Criticism, be sure to take up the FULL armour of God.

The only other option is Drugs, Excessive AlcohoL or any other form of harmful substituted reality. Trust me...I know.

Beware of the chink in your armour.

My Weekend In Pictures (and words) + A Timbuktu Catastrophe!!!

Thursday

Woke up feeling nauseous and so went through the day in Slow Motion..kinda like these Cows..



I'm still yet to really understand why there are sooo many Cows living in Cow..I'm sorry..Park View Estate!!

That evening was Toni Tones birthday party at Bacchus and I couldn't go cos by then I was really sick!!

She had a blast though!! Shout out to Banky W and Jessy Jagz for rocking my girl's party with impromptu performances!!

Friday

Was able to crawl out of bed for a brief meeting at Federal Palace Hotel..was done soon enough and so crawled right back into bed!!

My darling Tones came to smother me with some TLC later that evening...I felt better soon!!

Saturday

Errands! Errands!! Errands!!!

Later attended a Waterbrook Fellowship meeting at Ember Creek.





Christian Author and Speaker, Michelle Hammond was present for a time of intimate sharing.


Michelle Hammond

I found her perspectives really interesting, and she said some things that have actually been jumping out in my head randomly since then.





Michelle is funny, very down-to-earth, forthright and as REAL as they come. Needless to say, I was inspired, and quite glad I could make it.

I 'papped' some of her books which were on display...





Then I rushed for the Deola Sagoe Launch of her brand-new Polo Line..



Then came back home to meet a serious Timbuktu Catastrophe!!!

But first, I have to run you through how it all could have gotten to this point...

Mr Timbuktu's erratic behaviour began as soon as my sister, Ton,  came home for her Summer break.

She had barely even dropped her luggage on arrival, when she grabbed Timboks and made him do the 'Dutty Wine' and 'Migraine Skank'!! I fought her and got him back, hoping she hadn't upset him too much.

I was wrong!! One evening, I walked into my bedroom, switched on the light, and discovered right there, before my very eyes, Mr Timbuktu doing the 'Alanta'!!

I simply retraced my steps, turned the light back off, and pretended the incident had never occured!!

Then a couple of days ago, this is what I was confronted with as I stepped out of my bathroom after a morning shower...



I got very worried about these series of weirdness from Timboks, who is usually so strict and orderly...but I convinced myself it was probably just a mid-life Teddy crisis!

Then on that fateful Saturday, right after the Deola Sagoe event, it ALL finally came together the moment I walked into my bedroom and discovered this heart-rending scene...



Turns out Mr Timbuktu has a family!!!!

That was a little too much for me too handle, so I called him aside and demanded an explanation!!

*sigh* It's definitely true what they say about living with someone who'll turn out to be a complete Stranger!! Who would have thought that my very own Timboks would have such a colorful past?!

For confidentiality reasons, I can't share his story with you...but I'll just say that I understand why he was afraid to tell me earlier..he feared the Rejection!!

As I looked into his scared and apologetic eyes, the hardness of my heart gradually melted.

This is the same Timbuktu who had been there for me on many a cold night.

The same Timbuktu who had laughed and endured my silly jokes, when there was no-one to share with.

The very same Timboks who immediately turned on me with deeply concerned eyes if I ever as much as whimpered at night.

How could I throw him and his family out in the cold, after all we've been through together.

Hmmnnn...I finally had to make the hard decision. They could ALL stay!!

Mr Timbuktu broke down and wept, while getting on his knees to thank me. I summoned all my inner strength to make sure I didn't fall apart right then.

Then he grabbed my hand and took me to meet the Timbuktu family...



Introducing (L-R) - Timboks, Bindu (daughter), Tintu (son)& Greta (wife)

Well, there's my story..you'd probably do the same if you were me.

Sunday

Went to Church and then suffered a relapse of sickness, which kept me in bed ALL day!!

LIVE from My Birthday Bash at Kirikiri Women's Prison

No form of Camera Equipment is allowed into Kirikiri Women’s Prison, so I’m gonna have to rely completely on my Storytelling abilities, in bringing you all that went down at my Birthday Bash which held at the Prison.



We spent the first few minutes after arriving at the Prison, carrying all the food and drinks we had brought for the Party into the Security Reception of Kirikiri.

Then we were all given a thorough Body Search (no Club Bouncers I know have got anything on the FIERCE female guards at Club Kirikiri), and then handed green tallies which are our tickets in and out of the Prison.

We were warned by the Guards to hold on dearly to these tallies, as failure by any one of us to return any of them on our Exit, will result in being detained. A smart Prison Inmate can steal it and walk out in our place.



Lol..my friends and I didn’t waste any time tucking the tallies into our Bras and every other safe Body parts.

Soon we were allowed in after one more set of safety Instructions by the kind, motherly Guards. The Inmates were already gathered together in the only conducive Party Venue in Kirikiri, the Chapel.

The Prison band were belting out some lovely tunes that had us already moving our bodies as we walked in. They rushed to us as soon as we walked in, welcoming us with such excitement and screaming ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY ’ to me, with lots of hugs and kisses.

I joyfully received the hand-made birthday card that Bukky, a very pretty and articulate young Inmate, had made me.





Never in my life have any group of people welcomed me with such love and open arms.



The party proper soon began: we danced and sang together to the great songs being delivered by the talented Singers.

They had actually prepared a Comedy Sketch for me, which was so funny, we all laughed till we had tears in our eyes.

Then Lovette, an Inmate who had been incarcerated for 7years for taking someone who was almost bleeding to death after an Abortion gone badly, to the hospital, shared her story with us. In spite of the great Injustice which has been committed against her, Lovette was grateful to God for bringing her to Prison, because not only has she discovered the joy of being in an Intimate relationship with Him right here in Prison, she has also found a loving family amongst her fellow Inmates.

Mary, a ridiculously funny, dark-skinned beauty, came and shared a brain-cracking riddle with us. I gave up trying to figure out what the answer was even before she had finished saying the riddle. However, my friend Wonuola Odunsi figured the riddle out in barely a minute. She and Mary excitedly high-fived each other as everyone cheered.

Vivian, our Master of Ceremonies for the day, impressed everyone with the way she co-ordinated the Event with so much mastery and humor. I was so touched by the fact that these Inmates had gone through so much trouble to plan my Birthday Party.

Pastor Abraham, a great man who has dedicated his life to serving the interests of Inmates in Prisons all around the country, and the one who made it possible for me to hold my Party there, came out and briefly shared with us a message about loving ourselves and appreciating who God has made us to be.

He has such an amazing relationship with the Inmates; they adore him and have so much regard for him and his wife. My friends and I were inspired by how much HOPE his message and just his assuring presence, brought to the eyes of the Inmates.

Then EVERYONE sang the 'Happy Birthday' song to me!!

Soon, it was time for us to go…there is only a limited amount of time we are allowed to Party at Club Kirikiri!! We couldn’t FEAST together with the Inmates for Security reasons..Prison Policy demands that they be served food in their individual cells. *sad*

I don’t think I had the words in my Vocabulary, to communicate to the beautiful women at Kirikiri Women’s Prison, how they had blessed me with what I know is the greatest and most meaningful birthday I have EVER celebrated in my life.

As we all said our goodbye’s, we were besieged with so many hugs and kisses from the Inmates. They all came out into the huge courtyard and waved goodbye until we were fully ushered out into the Security Reception.

My friends and I fortunately had all our tallies on us, and so were allowed out by the Guards!! But not until after they had also hugged us and poured out kind blessings on us.

We were all so overwhelmed by the love and good-naturedness we had received from every single person in the Prison. They taught us so much about Gratitude, and the FREEDOM to be found in Rejoicing, regardless of whatever situation we find ourselves.


(L-R)Wonu Odunsi, Pst Abe's Assistant, Pastor Abe's wife, Ngozi Omambala, Pastor Abraham, Me, Nnena Okoye, Toni Tones, Toke Makinwa, Dami Olaiya, Aisha Ibrahim & (John my P.A. took the pic)

As with every other time I have been in Kirikiri Women’s Prison, I walked out of there, knowing I had just paid Jesus Christ a visit. A PEACE that can only come from being in God’s presence is the gift my friends and I were given as we left the Prison Grounds.

And as is always the case, I NEVER walk out the same person I was when I walked in.

Values Worth Living & Dying For

I stumbled across these words while doing some Research this morning. They are indeed some of the most beautiful words I've EVER read!! I want to share them with you...

Civil Rights Movement Leader, Martin Luther King Jr., speaking about what people should remember him for if they are present at his funeral:

“ I'd like somebody to mention that day that Martin Luther King Jr. tried to give his life serving others. I'd like for somebody to say that day that Martin Luther King Jr. tried to love somebody.

I want you to say that day that I tried to be right on the war question. I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry.

I want you to be able to say that day that I did try in my life to clothe those who were naked.

I want you to say on that day that I did try in my life to visit those who were in prison. And I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity.

Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major. Say that I was a drum major for justice. Say that I was a drum major for peace. I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter."



Martin Luther King Jr.

Great words from an astoundingly GREAT Leader..No matter what Guys, let's NEVER lose sight of what's truly Important.

Please Let's Get Some Things Straight...

This is not an article or any kind of intellectual stimulating post.

Just thought I should put that out there in case you had any sort of expectations. This is me sitting all by myself at a Photo-Shoot, being the Unfriendly, Anti-Social Model Wannabe, working on her laptop while she listens to MoHits ‘I Wanna be Close To You’ from my I-pod.

I really don’t know why I do this sometimes. I retreat into some kind of shell and prefer to watch the people in the same place with me from a safe distance.

There is something on my mind though; I was going through the comments on my Bella Naija article titled 'Why Can’t We Be Friends?!' (oh by the way, I have a new Column on Bella…Yaaayyyyyy!!!), and I’d be honest, that may be responsible for my sudden withdrawal into ‘Quiet Mode’.

I’ve learned over time to be non-reactive toward both positive and negative feedback from my Work, so that’s not what this is about. In the article, I was talking about whether or not it is safe to be friends with your Exes. As usual, I used myself as the case Study, citing the different kinds of reactions I have to memories of past relationships.

I don’t want to spill all the beans for those of you who haven’t read the article, but I REALLY need to say this for my own sanity.

I NEVER try to give ANYONE the Illusion of me being a Saint or even anything close. When I talk about something, especially as I use my personal experience, I’m not going to censor myself or tell the story in such a way as to suit the individual moral codes/ideas/opinions of whoever is reading it.

As a Writer and as a Human being, my comfort zone is being completely honest and open about whatever subject I’m speaking about, whether or not it conforms to the ideals people set for themselves in their heads.

I’m not a Virgin. I have been in quite a number of relationships and YES I did have sex with the people I was with. I choose NOT to define myself by that as I believe my life is a journey and those experiences were merely a little phase I have since left behind.

So if I choose to talk about that in showing the transition I have made, and it insults the sensitivities of anyone reading it, then I’d suggest finding another person who censors themselves much better than I do.

It baffles me that someone’s idea of a ‘Christian’ is one that should shut up about the reality of what their experiences have been so that people can buy the false idea of ‘Holiness’ they are selling. I can only imagine the burden Life is for those who go through it judging and defining themselves by past mistakes and experiences.

So as I sit here being Anti-Social, I’m going to CLEARLY state a few things about myself, to make this easier for you and I. if you are not comfortable with Me as I am, please spare yourself the agony of coming back here:

• I feel ABSOLUTELY no shame or discomfort talking about experiences, positive or negative, which have come together in shaping the person that I have now become. Yes, I do feel Vulnerable sometimes, but it lasts only a few minutes.

• I believe in telling the TRUTH of a story; that means that I will NOT censor myself, if I choose to speak about an issue. If I feel the need to censor myself, I’d rather NOT say anything.

• I truly feel sorry for people who define me by the experiences of the past and even try to address or relate with me based on that; it’s like trying to relate with a DEAD person, because that TARI doesn’t exist anymore.

• I love God with most of my heart. My vices and weaknesses struggle for the very little bit that I sometimes withhold from Him. It’s a struggle, but I thank God, I mostly WIN than lose.

• I interact with lots of DIFFERENT kinds of people, primarily because I am a LOVER of People. Nevertheless, I am completely my OWN person; a feat that has taken only the grace of God to attain.

• I’m not the best person there is, but I think I’ve managed to glimpse the best of ME, which I’m more interested in expressing in ALL I do.

- Oh and yes, I LOVE to have FUUNNNNN!!!!!

Thanks for listening. Now I feel MUCH better. Maybe I’ll go hang out with the others so I can be FABULOUS for the Shoot and not the Grouch I suspect wants to takeover.

My Baby Faced His Own Mortality

My heart is really heavy and I’m trying to control myself as I write this. A friend just lost her son barely 9months after giving birth to him.

I don’t even want to imagine what she’s going through right now; the glimpse of the pain she might be feeling right now is tearing me apart.

I mentioned to you guys about two weeks ago, a difficult period my family had to go through; I said then that I wasn’t prepared to talk about it, but I think I want to now.

You’ve probably heard me talk about my 7 year old nephew, Bade. One of the shining lights of my life.

For about 3weeks my heart broke into all kinds of pieces as I watched Bade suffer in pain. It began as a fever, which we immediately assumed was malaria, and put him on medication.

Nothing changed though, as his temperature continued to soar and he couldn’t keep any food down, throwing up even in the middle of the night. I remember lying awake through the night praying and asking God to heal his body.

We took him to the hospital as soon as we saw that it wasn’t a minor fever like we thought and there they tested him for Typhoid and the usual. They also started administering drugs and much to his agony, giving him all kinds of injections.

Bade STILL wasn’t responding to treatment. He would seem better, but then from nowhere, his temperature would rise again and he kept complaining about a pain in his tummy.

The Doctors and Nurses at the hospital were totally incompetent! One evening, as I watched my sister almost tell the Doctor what he should be doing, the fear that gripped me was REAL. All I could think was, “My Bade’s life is actually in the hand of this DUMB F*#K right now?!”

My sister didn’t wait a second longer, and we immediately moved him to a Children’s Hospital in Lekki called Lifeline.

There we relaxed a little as these were actual Pediatricians’ who seemed to know what they were doing and unlike the Doctors at the other hospital, were not ignoring the constant pain in his tummy that Bade kept moaning about.

He got a bit more stable soon after getting to Lifeline, and we were all grateful for the timely decision my sister had made in moving him.

Then night came, and the pain in Bade’s tummy became unbearable for him. He screamed through the night grasping tightly to his mother’s body saying over and over to her “Mummy save me, Mummy pray for me!!”

My sister called me early in the morning from the hospital weeping uncontrollably as she told me what they had gone through in the night. He had only just been able to go off to sleep a few minutes ago.

I was so confused; I didn’t know what to do. My whole family where we all were in different parts of the world were also shaken and troubled at what was going on. The decision was immediately made to take him to London that same day.

I prayed. We all prayed and took a family Communion together, even though we weren’t physically present with each other.

The Doctors however, advised us against flying him in the condition that he was. We sought a second opinion, and they also said it would be extremely dangerous to have him in the air for 6hours and all the time it would take to get to a Specialist in London.

The Doctors at Lifeline then decided to perform Surgery, as they suspected a ruptured appendix.

That’s the worst thing that could have been told my family at that point. Although no one was saying it out loud, I know what we were all thinking; My Dad died after surgery was performed on him.

We felt the Doctors weren’t too sure, but they took us through all their diagnosis and as Bade kept on screaming, we decided to let them do what they could.

Six ‘o’ clock came, and as I watched them roll Bade away on that gurney, preparing him for Surgery, I don’t think I even have the words to describe how I felt.

I know my Mum, Bade’s parents, my sisters and the family friends who were also there were feeling the same thing at that precise moment.

We prayed again.

Soon Bade was alone in the Operating Theater with the Surgeon and other Doctors. I felt as though my heart was on that Operating table.

However, God gave us Peace.

As I looked at the faces of everyone with me in the room as we waited, I knew that all our hearts were in there, yet, the way we carried on, if you had walked in, you’d never have guessed that our little angel, was currently going through a battle for his life in the next room.

Just about 2hours after, the Surgeon called my sister into the Theater to come see what they found. His appendix was fine, but it was a far more life-threatening situation we were now facing.

Peritonitis. Fluids had leaked from his stomach organs and had accumulated, causing him the acute pain he had been facing and making his tummy swell.

The fever, vomiting and all other symptoms he had been experiencing were also as a result of the Peritonitis.

Fluid leakage all by itself is not so much of an issue, even though it causes tremendous pain; the real issue is that after a while, the fluid gets infected, and trust me, I don’t think I even want to imagine what could have happened to Bade if it had gotten there.

We quickly gave thanks to God for letting the Doctors go into Bade’s body when they did.

All the fluid was drained and the doctors did excellently to stop the disease in its tracks. Soon Bade was all stitched up, and placed in Recovery.

However, I could still feel the tension from my family. My Dad’s operation had also been successful, but he died shortly after due to some complications.

So yet again, we prayed and gave thanks to God for ALL He had done.

Bade is fine now, back to his usual naughty self. He has matured so much in the month that all this happened. I have seen him toughen up in different ways. Well, I’m sure anyone who is confronted with their own Mortality will.

He bears the scars of the Battle as a testimony to what God carried us through.

I take pleasure these days, in just lying in the darkness of my bedroom and listening to him laugh, scream and play. It’s like the sound of heaven to me.

I know what my family and I went through just watching Bade suffer so much. I don’t want to imagine what we could have been going through right now if we had lost him; as much as I hate to think about it, I know that we came pretty close to losing him.

My friend has just lost her only baby boy.

Oh God, You alone know why You allowed this happen. Please Lord, give her husband and her the strength, the Peace, and the Comfort that only You can give at dark times such as these.

You are the Light in the Valley.

My Baby Faced His Own Mortality

My heart is really heavy and I’m trying to control myself as I write this. A friend just lost her son barely 9months after giving birth to him.

I don’t even want to imagine what she’s going through right now; the glimpse of the pain she might be feeling right now is tearing me apart.

I mentioned to you guys about two weeks ago, a difficult period my family had to go through; I said then that I wasn’t prepared to talk about it, but I think I want to now.

You’ve probably heard me talk about my 7 year old nephew, Bade. One of the shining lights of my life.

For about 3weeks my heart broke into all kinds of pieces as I watched Bade suffer in pain. It began as a fever, which we immediately assumed was malaria, and put him on medication.

Nothing changed though, as his temperature continued to soar and he couldn’t keep any food down, throwing up even in the middle of the night. I remember lying awake through the night praying and asking God to heal his body.

We took him to the hospital as soon as we saw that it wasn’t a minor fever like we thought and there they tested him for Typhoid and the usual. They also started administering drugs and much to his agony, giving him all kinds of injections.

Bade STILL wasn’t responding to treatment. He would seem better, but then from nowhere, his temperature would rise again and he kept complaining about a pain in his tummy.

The Doctors and Nurses at the hospital were totally incompetent! One evening, as I watched my sister almost tell the Doctor what he should be doing, the fear that gripped me was REAL. All I could think was, “My Bade’s life is actually in the hand of this DUMB F*#K right now?!”

My sister didn’t wait a second longer, and we immediately moved him to a Children’s Hospital in Lekki called Lifeline.

There we relaxed a little as these were actual Pediatricians’ who seemed to know what they were doing and unlike the Doctors at the other hospital, were not ignoring the constant pain in his tummy that Bade kept moaning about.

He got a bit more stable soon after getting to Lifeline, and we were all grateful for the timely decision my sister had made in moving him.

Then night came, and the pain in Bade’s tummy became unbearable for him. He screamed through the night grasping tightly to his mother’s body saying over and over to her “Mummy save me, Mummy pray for me!!”

My sister called me early in the morning from the hospital weeping uncontrollably as she told me what they had gone through in the night. He had only just been able to go off to sleep a few minutes ago.

I was so confused; I didn’t know what to do. My whole family where we all were in different parts of the world were also shaken and troubled at what was going on. The decision was immediately made to take him to London that same day.

I prayed. We all prayed and took a family Communion together, even though we weren’t physically present with each other.

The Doctors however, advised us against flying him in the condition that he was. We sought a second opinion, and they also said it would be extremely dangerous to have him in the air for 6hours and all the time it would take to get to a Specialist in London.

The Doctors at Lifeline then decided to perform Surgery, as they suspected a ruptured appendix.

That’s the worst thing that could have been told my family at that point. Although no one was saying it out loud, I know what we were all thinking; My Dad died after surgery was performed on him.

We felt the Doctors weren’t too sure, but they took us through all their diagnosis and as Bade kept on screaming, we decided to let them do what they could.

Six ‘o’ clock came, and as I watched them roll Bade away on that gurney, preparing him for Surgery, I don’t think I even have the words to describe how I felt.

I know my Mum, Bade’s parents, my sisters and the family friends who were also there were feeling the same thing at that precise moment.

We prayed again.

Soon Bade was alone in the Operating Theater with the Surgeon and other Doctors. I felt as though my heart was on that Operating table.

However, God gave us Peace.

As I looked at the faces of everyone with me in the room as we waited, I knew that all our hearts were in there, yet, the way we carried on, if you had walked in, you’d never have guessed that our little angel, was currently going through a battle for his life in the next room.

Just about 2hours after, the Surgeon called my sister into the Theater to come see what they found. His appendix was fine, but it was a far more life-threatening situation we were now facing.

Peritonitis. Fluids had leaked from his stomach organs and had accumulated, causing him the acute pain he had been facing and making his tummy swell.

The fever, vomiting and all other symptoms he had been experiencing were also as a result of the Peritonitis.

Fluid leakage all by itself is not so much of an issue, even though it causes tremendous pain; the real issue is that after a while, the fluid gets infected, and trust me, I don’t think I even want to imagine what could have happened to Bade if it had gotten there.

We quickly gave thanks to God for letting the Doctors go into Bade’s body when they did.

All the fluid was drained and the doctors did excellently to stop the disease in its tracks. Soon Bade was all stitched up, and placed in Recovery.

However, I could still feel the tension from my family. My Dad’s operation had also been successful, but he died shortly after due to some complications.

So yet again, we prayed and gave thanks to God for ALL He had done.

Bade is fine now, back to his usual naughty self. He has matured so much in the month that all this happened. I have seen him toughen up in different ways. Well, I’m sure anyone who is confronted with their own Mortality will.

He bears the scars of the Battle as a testimony to what God carried us through.

I take pleasure these days, in just lying in the darkness of my bedroom and listening to him laugh, scream and play. It’s like the sound of heaven to me.

I know what my family and I went through just watching Bade suffer so much. I don’t want to imagine what we could have been going through right now if we had lost him; as much as I hate to think about it, I know that we came pretty close to losing him.

My friend has just lost her only baby boy.

Oh God, You alone know why You allowed this happen. Please Lord, give her husband and her the strength, the Peace, and the Comfort that only You can give at dark times such as these.

You are the Light in the Valley.

The Darker Side Of Ageing

I was on an aircraft a while ago, and a female Politician came on board wearing this flowing spaghetti strapped dress.

Her shoulders were bare and her cleavage was kinda in everyone’s face. I remember thinking then “OMG!! How can she wear this…she’s almost naked!!”

Interestingly enough, she didn’t look awful or even over-the-top Indecent in the dress, but my reaction was borne more out of the fact that being an ‘Older Woman’, she shouldn’t dress like that.

She looked the same way someone younger than her would look in the dress, and I wouldn’t make such a big fuss about, so I wonder, why is it that I had such a problem with a woman in her late 50’s expressing herself through her choice of clothes?!

I’ve always believed that the older you get, the more liberties you have to do whatever it is you want to do, without necessarily needing the approval of anyone else. However, more and more, I’m beginning to believe that getting older, especially in Nigeria, takes you further and further into a Cell of Conformity, in which the idea of Bail is thought about only by the Bravehearts.

I was in the Club last night, and there was this ‘Older Lady’ yet again, who was on her feet the entire time dancing with a younger man. The way she carried on having a great time, not really caring about the fact that people all around her might have been thinking “Mama sit down and respect yourself”, was quite admirable.

‘Respect Yourself'; that’s one phrase you hear quite a bit in this country, right up there with ‘Act Your Age’.

What if a 57year old feels within himself like he is 26, and goes about expressing himself like your regular 25year old, does that make him irresponsible?

What if he fulfills ALL the obligations he has toward his family, Work and whatever else, and he wants only the Freedom to act out the HIM he sees in his heart, does that make him an ‘AGBAYA’?!

In Nigeria, does society get more and more Judgmental of you with each year you add to the number of years since you first showed up on earth?!

My 31year old friend was telling about how she introduced her new boyfriend to her Mum as ‘My Boyfriend’, and her Mum called her aside and scolded her saying she should be ashamed of herself, for saying ‘My Boyfriend’ at this age.

According to her Mum, she should introduce the guy to everyone as ‘Her Fiance’, in spite of the fact that they’ve not even started talking of anything even remotely near Marriage.

I also heard of a 75year old woman who lost her husband a couple of years ago, and decided to enjoy herself instead of spending the rest of her life in mourning. She got herself a much younger man who dotes on her, started exercising and travelling the world with her lover, and is celebrating her newfound youth at 75!!

In this country, a story like that would immediately convince the majority that she killed her husband!!

I mean as much as I love my Prof Mummy, its sooo difficult for me to even imagine her with another Man other than my Dad!!

If Age is indeed nothing but a Number, then why has one’s Age become the determining factor of what is okay and what is absurd for one to do?!

Why shouldn’t I be the judge of what’s right or wrong in my life, after all, am I not ‘Old’ enough?!

Embracing My Gayness

I remember walking into my house one evening and suddenly stopping in my tracks as I was confronted with a very strange picture being displayed by two Mallams.

A number of them were sitting together on a bench, gisting and laughing. These two particular Mallams were in a position that I honestly had never seen two Nigerian men displaying in public.

One was leaning his head on the shoulder of the other, and the other one had his hand protectively around him.

They looked very comfortable like that, and curiously enough, none of the other Mallams surrounding them seemed uncomfortable about their closeness.

When I could finally manage to roll my jaw up from the floor and stumble into my house in disbelief, I suddenly had the flash of a thought: “Am I the one with the problem here? Have I been somewhat conditioned to immediately label two men displaying that form of Intimacy as being Gay?”

With a shudder running down my spine, I realized that the answer to my questions were ‘YES’.

Popular Culture has made us believe that any form of Physical or Emotional Intimacy between two people of the same sex, which doesn’t conform to the poor standard that it has set, should be defined as WRONG!!

So we have accepted that Thought, hence my immediately labeling two men who have found a level of comfort and Intimacy between them as being Gay.

It is also possible that they could have been Gay, but I don’t think I have a right to make an assumption on their Sexuality unless they confirm it to me themselves.

Are we selling ourselves short on the quality of relationships we can experience from both the opposite and same sex, because we just can’t take the Sex equation out of our perception of Intimacy?

By the standard we live in today, seeing a Guy and Girl very close must mean they’re sleeping together.

Seeing two girls who love, respect and admire each other, and would look for every opportunity to lift each other up rather than tear down, must mean that they are ‘Carpet Munching’ (lesbians for the clueless..Lol)

It really is sad, because a lot of people are hurting desperately and in need of true, meaningful relationships, but are missing out on that because of the fear of being labeled. And who can blame them?

As for me, if loving my girlfriends and being committed to them evolving into the Women that I know God wants us ALL to be, and also expressing that love to them in words and actions, makes me gay, well then, Gay I am.


Me and my dear friend, Didi Agbahor

After all, if they can say Jesus was gay because the Apostle John was always leaning closely into his side, who am I that they won't say the same about?!

My Weekend In Pictures

My weekend began on Thursday with Yvonne being a retard..



Just in case you're wondering, you do know Thursday is the new Friday in Lagos, right?!!

Friday evening, hung out with my sister at a small party in Lekki..


My sister Tonbofa Ashimi & Funke Kuti

Later came back home to my lover..


Me n Mr Timbuktu

Mr Timbuktu is sooo cool and trendy!! Check out his complete outfit..





May I state right now that it was my niece, Lande, who dressed him!! He was hers until she gave him to me. So I renamed him and he's been such a delight since!!

Saturday began with an early Breakfast fellowship, which Toni Tones came with me for at Victoria Garden City (VGC)..


Me & Toni

The Breakfast was superb..and we learned a new concept which we haven't been able to stop saying 'Mastered Inactivity'!!

And then Toni decides she MUST have Super-Yogo by ALL means!! Unfortunately, none of the street hawkers had for sale, so we went to check the Mall and ended up window-shopping for the next 2 hours!!

Then we went to hang out with some crazy people like this...


Toni, Me, Yvonne & the person whose eyes you can only see is Juwon Ogundipe

It got more interesting soon after, as others came to join...


Toni, Jecinta, Juwon, Toke Makinwa & Yvonne

After a few hours of non-stop laughing as we were being instructed on how to shake our booties without moving the rest of our bodies, we decided we needed some REHAB!!


The Wicked Witches of Rehab: Jecinta, Yvonne, Juwon & Toni


You probably think this is a Cosmopolitan, but things ain't always what they seem...hehehe


Jecinta Powell


Yvonne Nwosu

After church on Sunday (YES..I made it!!!), I had a fabulous and gruelling photo-shoot with Toni Tones!!

We sooo had to treat ourselves afterward..



Was a great weekend all in all!! Glad I finally had a good night's sleep on Sunday night!!!

By the way, I now live my entire life on Twitter..so if you want a front-row seat to my sometimes haphazard existence, follow Tari Ekiyor on Twitter.

Have a great week!!

"I Love You, but I can NEVER tell you what I did!!"

I recently entered into one of what I refer to as my ‘Quiet Modes’.

It is a period during which my entire internal self goes absolutely quiet. I can’t hear myself, and I go about doing everything like I’m in some form of Auto-Pilot or something.

My ‘Quiet Mode’ is usually triggered by confusion about an issue or situation; when I’ve done something I don’t really like; or when I’m deeply hurt, afraid or uncertain.

This particular one was caused by hurt and uncertainty. Two of my closest relationships recently got all weird and distant, leaving me unsure about many things especially as regards myself, and so I withdrew into my safe ‘Quiet Mode’.

In both cases, I knew for sure that I was the one who screwed up. All of my close friendships are very solid, and mean a lot to both me and the other person because they are founded on complete honesty and openness by both parties.

Recently, however, I kind of screwed that up because I wasn’t completely honest about certain issues with my friend. My dishonesty wasn’t as a result of me intentionally trying to be deceptive, but rather because I wasn’t first honest with myself, and by lying to myself, I ended up misleading my friend.

That hurt him really bad and caused him to withdraw from me as he felt he couldn’t trust me anymore.

The second screw-up with my other friend was as a result of being a little too honest. I messed up, and then confessed what I did to him. He also felt that he couldn’t trust me because I had guaranteed him that I would not do what I did, and then by going ahead to do it, regardless of the word I gave, he now feels as though he can’t believe anything I say anymore.

So both of these my two very close friends, have sort of kept their distance from me as they don’t feel that the trust and openness which our relationships were initially founded upon, isn't there anymore.

So now you probably understand why I felt so unsure about myself and had to withdraw into ‘Quiet Mode’.

The 2nd situation especially got me thinking; I wonder if I should have kept quiet about what I did. I mean I knew I had screwed up and could have resolved within myself not to repeat the action, then lied to him. After all, since I was already going to do something to change myself regarding what I did, I didn’t have to go and spill the beans.

Everything would have still been well and good, as he would never have had to know.

But then the problem with me is that I’m such a giveaway. Like, it’s so hard for me to hide stuff from the people I really care about and am very close to. Even with my female friends, if I’m doing something I know is wrong, I'd rather avoid Seun Opaleye or Toni Tones through that entire period just so I don’t have to confess to them. Cos I know once they see me, I’d be different and they’d know something’s up, and then I’d have to tell. So I’d wait till I’m through and then go “remember when…”.

Yet I still wonder, in close friendships, relationships and even Marriage, is there a Degree of Disclosure that should not be reached?

Is the degree of Intimacy in our relationships determined by how much we tell or not tell?

Is it alright to NOT tell all? How do you decide which information is for sharing and what should be taken with you to the grave?

Am I Being Scammed??!

This morning, I received an alarming mail from a Director friend I did some work for last year. The subject read ‘SAD NEWS…’ and here is the body:

Time: 00:44 am

Hey……(not addressed to anyone)

I am caught up in a real mess and i need your help. I'm sorry I didn't inform you about my trip ,I had a trip to the London,United Kingdom and a bizarre thing happened to me.I was mugged at gun point last night, the muggers carted away with all my belongings excluded my passport.Cell,c-card,cash and some important documents are all gone. I was able to make contact with the Uk Police and i was directed to the Embassy, but they seems to be taking things too slow.
I need your help so urgently.. My flight leaves pretty soon but i am having problems sorting out the hotel bills and also need getting my ticket straightened out. I need your help. I need a quick loan to get things fixed out here, I promise to refund as soon as i get back home.. please reply asap. so i can tell what to do and how to get the money to me..
Hope to read from you soon..

So I immediately responded saying:

Time: 10:42 am

Hi ……,

I'm soooo sorry about what happened!! Hope you're fine....I just saw ur mail right now.

Pls lemme know how I can help!!

Tari

Shortly after, I receive a response:

Time: 11:19am

Thanks for the mail.. i feel so glad to hear from you, you given me a lot of hope..the muggers stole eerything from
me and i dont have any access to a phone so amin a local library where i have acess to a computer, i need a quick
loan to get
things fixed out here.. i need $1500 to get things fixed out here promise to refund when i am back home... do you
know how to get the money to me? you can have the Money wired to me via Western Union is safe and convenient.. here is the details you need to get the money wired to me.. you should have the money wired on my name and present
location..
here is the details...
Name : …….
Address.:……………………..
City: Buckinghamshire.
Postal Code: HP11 2JZ
Country: United Kingdom
once you are done mail me with the westernunion details and the confirmation numbers.

At this point, I got quite suspicious. The mail was a little too impersonal. This guy and I, even though ours is a working relationship, play and joke a lot. He’s a very playful and funny person. He also calls me ‘Madam’.

So then I try calling his phone here in Lagos, and it’s turned off. I’m thinking of going to his house to check also.

But I want to get your opinion….AM I BEING SCAMMED??!!

My Dad was the guy who...

I miss my Daddy!!

He died in 2001 at the age of 62. Even at that age, he was the guy who still used to run down the stairs and get up every morning to do his Yoga routine.

Right from when I was very little, up until just before he died, he would still make the funny yoga facial expressions that would cause me to squeal in frightful excitement and run out of his room.

My Dad always smelled nice. Kourous by Yves Saint Laurent!! That was his fragrance.

He was the Charismatic, tall, handsome and fair-skinned man that was always immaculately turned out. My Dad never missed his manicures and pedicures and after a while even assigned me the exclusive role of doing them for him. It was always a joke around the house that I was his 2nd wife.

He was the guy who when I was struggling with my grades in Secondary school, would leave his busy schedule and come to school and find out from all my teachers why exactly I wasn’t doing well. He never made me feel bad about myself regardless of how many times I would fail, but would instead, boast proudly to anyone that cared to listen, about how magnificent I was as an Athlete.

My Dad has 10 kids, yet he had a special way of making each and every one of us feel as though we were his favorite. My siblings and I can argue non-stop, each claiming that they were his favorite, because of the special and unique bond he formed with each of us.

He’s the guy who would stay up late at night helping my immediate older sister write the Speech that caused her to win her Law Student Union elections by a landslide.

He’s the guy who would help another sister see the vision of what a few years down the line would be like, when she was having challenges at the beginning of her career and wanted to give up.

He’s the guy who would jokingly boast to us about how he kept no secret from my Mum apart from when he had girlfriends!!

He’s the guy who never turned anyone who came to him for help away without giving them something..anything.

My Dad’s gift to the world was his heart.

A heart that went out to the weak, the poor, the oppressed, and fought valiantly to give them hope for a future.

A heart that gave generously of itself at ALL times, irrespective of if it was getting little or nothing in return.

A heart that was blinded to the flaws of everyone it encountered and addressed each person according to his/her potential.

A heart that loved till the very end.

Even 9 years after you’ve been gone Daddy, you’re still very much a part of me. I see you all the time in my dreams. You’re alive in my dreams; laughing, talking in your usual excited manner, comforting, encouraging. You’re alive Daddy!!!

I’ve been through so much since you’ve been gone. A lot of which I know you’d be disappointed in me for. However, in all of that, I’ve never forgotten something you always said.

Remember when we had to walk past you in church to go take the Holy Communion?! And you’d watch us..your girls, as we walked by?!

Then later. You’d say to us, ‘When you walk, no matter where you are, always hold your head high.”

In spite of everything I’ve been through Daddy, I never forgot that. I’m still holding my head high, Daddy.

Thank you Daddy. I love you.

Tari!! BLOG...or else..

My big sister came into town today to speak at a Conference about Philanthropy in Nigeria. While playing the supportive little sister at the Conference, I discovered that she is actually a very important person in her field!!

So I watched proudly as she gave her very enlightened and passionate Presentation about how the wealthy can give back to society and also what qualified NGO’s to receive grants from Foundations like hers.

Maybe it was the awe with which the audience regarded her during and after her speech, or the way she was accosted by tons of people seeking her acquaintance even while trying to make a quick getaway, but something definitely got me looking at my sister through a new set of eyes!!

So also awestruck by her Fabulousness, I offered myself to be her official driver and Personal Assistant for the day; although it didn’t involve much more than driving through the surprisingly traffic free streets of Victoria Island and a massive lunch at Cactus.

Gosh I stuffed myself; goat meat Hommus (I’m serious there actually is something like that!!), a massive salad, an insane Steak Parmesan and a delightful piece of Chocolate cake at the end.

As you can imagine, I’ve been completely useless for the rest of the day after my Barbaric Lunch!! I even had to blackmail myself into blogging!!

Anyway, all in all it was a great day..even though I got christened with a new name. My sister has given me the name 'Kasali' as she claims I drive like a taxi driver, complete with the horning and all!!

After all her talk about Giving...that’s the thanks I get??! Kasali abi?!!

"O Wrestlemania.....how I miss you!!"

Last night, I was re-united with an old love: WRESTLEMANIA!!!

Gosh I was such a fan!! I have vivid memories of all the kids in my house placing bets on who’d win the Royal Rumble, loud arguments about who the greatest wrestler was- Hulk Hogan or Ultimate Warrior, and then finally everyone gathering in front of the TV to watch the wrestling bouts.



As a child I used to be in such awe of the entire spectacle that came with Wrestlemania. I would laugh and celebrate when my Champions won; cry and sulk when the ‘Bad Guy’ won. I would be vexed when an opponent came and challenged my Champion to a match, and scream insults at the Opponent through my TV.


Shawn 'Pretty Boy' Michaels

In my mind, the world couldn’t have been more real than Wrestlemania. It was the most entertaining, and at that time, the closest thing to reality TV we had. I would fantasize for hours about being the ‘Elizabeth’ (you have to be as screwed up as I was if you can remember her) that a Wrestler would bring gloriously to stand by him as he battled for the Heavyweight Championship of the World.

Crap!! I can’t remember the name of the ‘Bad Chic’ (I think maybe Sherry or something), who was like the villain chic where Elizabeth was the Good Princess-like Lady. If I remember correctly, Elizabeth was Hulk-Hogan’s Lady, and then there was one instance in which he and Ultimate Warrior had to fight for her. My heart almost broke cos I had no clue who to support!!


The Hulk & Ultimate Warrior battling it out..


My goodness!! To think that I believed every single bit of Wrestlemania was REALLL!! What other load of crap do I believe so passionately right now, I wonder?! Kai!! I would do almost anything right now, for a DVD box of old Wrestlemania re-runs!!

Who remembers all the moves?? The one I can never forget is the ‘Closeline'... probably because of all the random, just-for-the-heck-of-it ‘Closelines’ I chopped from my male cousins!! So we’d have to go around the house like it was World War 2 cos you had no idea where the next ‘Closeline’ would come from.


The 'Closeline' in action

I have compiled my Wrestlemania Superstar run-down (and please don’t hesitate to add anyone I may have left out):

Hulk Hogan

The Ultimate Warrior

The Undertaker (he’s still in the new ones, but it’s a fake Undertaker. Remember the lights going off, the bell and the casket??!)


The Real Undertaker making his grand entrance...

Shawn Michaels (The Pretty-boy; he’s still in Wrestlemania)

Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart (I could die for him then...with his pink suspenders..LMAO!!)

Tatanka

...alright I’m not gonna allow myself be the only nut-case here!! Please finish up the list...

My Sweet 26 First Date

This may sound weird, I mean like really, really George Bush wearing iro and buba kind of weird, but I just have to say it….

I went for my first proper date on Saturday!!!

26 and three-quarters years old, been in like 800 relationships, and yet never been on a proper, proper date!! I mean the kind when you meet a guy, give him your number, he asks you out, you agree, you leave him to plan where he’s taking you, he comes to get you, you get into the car...and yeah all proper first date protocol.

I was super-excited on Saturday morning and was hopping all over the place singing “I’m going on a date!!” I felt like I was 14years old and being allowed out with a boy for the first time. Even the matter of life and death decision of what to wear on a first date couldn’t dampen my enthusiasm.

I thought of wearing a short, white dress, in my usual Lagos weekend style, but ditched the idea….didn’t want him to be on a date with my legs instead of me.

Go simple in Skinny jeans and a baby-tee?! Nope...might make him feel just a little too comfortable like we’re already together or something.

So I finally decided on a white vest and dark brown, mid-calf length baggy corduroy pants. Better to look like ass-kicking Lara Croft of Tombraider on a first date than an Ijaw version of Marilyn Monroe.


Angelina Jolie in her 'Lara Croft' persona

I kept him waiting for like 8mins (not good enough yeah?!) while I got ready. It felt damn good keeping him waiting, knowing that he wouldn’t dare complain about it and spoil the Mr Nice Guy persona that he has to have to keep the game going.

He took me to see ‘Date Night’, which was the mid-afternoon special at the cinema. And yes tried the whole putting the arm around me thing in the dark theater. I almost exploded as I tried desperately not to burst out in laughter. My goodness!! I couldn’t believe that he would actually get up to such a cliché gesture!! Anyway, that didn’t last a minute.

The movie was great…..I laughed hysterically at the antics of two of my most favorite people, Steve Carrell and Tina Fey. And then displayed my silliness by shouting “Whacked Off” loudly complete with the hand gesture and all, after an on-screen joke that I only got like 2minutes after. My date almost disappeared into his chair!!


Steve Carrell & Tina Fey in a scene from the movie

Then I almost choked, as he decided that I needed to be fed popcorn and kept on shoving fistfuls into my mouth. My mouthful mumbling of “I don’t want” definitely wasn’t very well comprehended. In a gasping for air kind of moment, with the next fistful on its way, I finally managed to say a coherent, “Please stop feeding me popcorn!!”

We went for lunch afterwards, where he told me about his recently ended relationship, which by my reckoning might be yet another break in their 5year on and off relationship.

I took him for a huge ice-cream dessert afterwards and then we walked the Beach where I demanded that he call one of those Mobile Rasta Musicians to come play me a special song. He couldn’t believe it and let me know that he wasn’t going to be by my side while that happened. I said it was fine. I called the guy myself and surprisingly, my date stayed right by me and we were soon singing the song together long after the Rastaman had left.

All in all it actually was a very interesting and fun first date. I hope my date feels the same sentiment as he looked kind of sad as I skipped happily into my house after refusing his first-kiss gesture.

So how do you rate my Sweet 26 First Date experience??!! I invite you to do with me what I spend hours with my Terror Squad doing: breaking down every gesture, word and/or action that came from my poor date.

Leave comments on TARIERE Facebook group page if you can't comment here...http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=19692&uid=194337937263#!/topic.php?uid=194337937263&topic=19692

Art Appreciation

Beautifully done by Lande....my 5yr old niece.