Monday, May 17, 2010

"I Love You, but I can NEVER tell you what I did!!"

I recently entered into one of what I refer to as my ‘Quiet Modes’.

It is a period during which my entire internal self goes absolutely quiet. I can’t hear myself, and I go about doing everything like I’m in some form of Auto-Pilot or something.

My ‘Quiet Mode’ is usually triggered by confusion about an issue or situation; when I’ve done something I don’t really like; or when I’m deeply hurt, afraid or uncertain.

This particular one was caused by hurt and uncertainty. Two of my closest relationships recently got all weird and distant, leaving me unsure about many things especially as regards myself, and so I withdrew into my safe ‘Quiet Mode’.

In both cases, I knew for sure that I was the one who screwed up. All of my close friendships are very solid, and mean a lot to both me and the other person because they are founded on complete honesty and openness by both parties.

Recently, however, I kind of screwed that up because I wasn’t completely honest about certain issues with my friend. My dishonesty wasn’t as a result of me intentionally trying to be deceptive, but rather because I wasn’t first honest with myself, and by lying to myself, I ended up misleading my friend.

That hurt him really bad and caused him to withdraw from me as he felt he couldn’t trust me anymore.

The second screw-up with my other friend was as a result of being a little too honest. I messed up, and then confessed what I did to him. He also felt that he couldn’t trust me because I had guaranteed him that I would not do what I did, and then by going ahead to do it, regardless of the word I gave, he now feels as though he can’t believe anything I say anymore.

So both of these my two very close friends, have sort of kept their distance from me as they don’t feel that the trust and openness which our relationships were initially founded upon, isn't there anymore.

So now you probably understand why I felt so unsure about myself and had to withdraw into ‘Quiet Mode’.

The 2nd situation especially got me thinking; I wonder if I should have kept quiet about what I did. I mean I knew I had screwed up and could have resolved within myself not to repeat the action, then lied to him. After all, since I was already going to do something to change myself regarding what I did, I didn’t have to go and spill the beans.

Everything would have still been well and good, as he would never have had to know.

But then the problem with me is that I’m such a giveaway. Like, it’s so hard for me to hide stuff from the people I really care about and am very close to. Even with my female friends, if I’m doing something I know is wrong, I'd rather avoid Seun Opaleye or Toni Tones through that entire period just so I don’t have to confess to them. Cos I know once they see me, I’d be different and they’d know something’s up, and then I’d have to tell. So I’d wait till I’m through and then go “remember when…”.

Yet I still wonder, in close friendships, relationships and even Marriage, is there a Degree of Disclosure that should not be reached?

Is the degree of Intimacy in our relationships determined by how much we tell or not tell?

Is it alright to NOT tell all? How do you decide which information is for sharing and what should be taken with you to the grave?


  1. Full disclosure, please!; well, somewhat.

  2. Hey tari, first of all... I absolutely love your blogs... its fresh, thot provoking and it flows naturaly... well, ve been in a similar situation maself. I let a very close friend of mine into certain secrets i held in my heart. It really confused her and in the end I had to "pull the rug" on the relationship/friendship if you like. I sometimes believe there is a blindspot... i.e. I believe at a certain level of closeness, people still want to maintain their identity and stay true to what they believe. There are some of us, like you, like me that bet all on the ones we love. It's not a bad thing its just, we have to understand the value system of people close to us and adapt accordingly. The second guy that decided not to trust you anymore for me is missing the whole idea of intimate friendship. For me my intimate friends are only that i.e. intimate because they are there to cover my weaknesses... we are there to cover for each other... make al.... so i wouldn't bother wiv him... tho it mgt be painful... Mr First Guy shld chill nw... haba... maybe its time to seek new lines.... of friendship...

  3. @Anonymous: Somewhat

    @Drjay: thanks. I do understand from the perspectives of both my friends..when stuff like that hits u unexpectedly especially if uv become very comfy in the relationshp, it can be very difficult to re-invest ur trust and entire self into the relationshp again. So I get it..

  4. So sorry to hear about ur "Quiet Mode" and the reasons behind it....wit regards ur question...there is honestly no Degree of Disclosure that should not be reached.....its up to u to determine if what u have done is right for you to tell the spouse or u said he had told u not to do such and u did and decided to tell were being honest but u know we humans are very different we all handle situations in different ways....i dnt see anythg wrong wit ur honesty cos its the same thingi would do...but just for next time try to be discreet about it...u dnt ve to disclose everything to ur spouse or friends...cos u can only know what they think by what they tell you but u never know what they really think in their mind......I hope u get ur two friends back.....

  5. Thanks Miss Paul...and I really, really do hope so toooooo!!

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