I recently entered into one of what I refer to as my ‘Quiet Modes’.
It is a period during which my entire internal self goes absolutely quiet. I can’t hear myself, and I go about doing everything like I’m in some form of Auto-Pilot or something.
My ‘Quiet Mode’ is usually triggered by confusion about an issue or situation; when I’ve done something I don’t really like; or when I’m deeply hurt, afraid or uncertain.
This particular one was caused by hurt and uncertainty. Two of my closest relationships recently got all weird and distant, leaving me unsure about many things especially as regards myself, and so I withdrew into my safe ‘Quiet Mode’.
In both cases, I knew for sure that I was the one who screwed up. All of my close friendships are very solid, and mean a lot to both me and the other person because they are founded on complete honesty and openness by both parties.
Recently, however, I kind of screwed that up because I wasn’t completely honest about certain issues with my friend. My dishonesty wasn’t as a result of me intentionally trying to be deceptive, but rather because I wasn’t first honest with myself, and by lying to myself, I ended up misleading my friend.
That hurt him really bad and caused him to withdraw from me as he felt he couldn’t trust me anymore.
The second screw-up with my other friend was as a result of being a little too honest. I messed up, and then confessed what I did to him. He also felt that he couldn’t trust me because I had guaranteed him that I would not do what I did, and then by going ahead to do it, regardless of the word I gave, he now feels as though he can’t believe anything I say anymore.
So both of these my two very close friends, have sort of kept their distance from me as they don’t feel that the trust and openness which our relationships were initially founded upon, isn't there anymore.
So now you probably understand why I felt so unsure about myself and had to withdraw into ‘Quiet Mode’.
The 2nd situation especially got me thinking; I wonder if I should have kept quiet about what I did. I mean I knew I had screwed up and could have resolved within myself not to repeat the action, then lied to him. After all, since I was already going to do something to change myself regarding what I did, I didn’t have to go and spill the beans.
Everything would have still been well and good, as he would never have had to know.
But then the problem with me is that I’m such a giveaway. Like, it’s so hard for me to hide stuff from the people I really care about and am very close to. Even with my female friends, if I’m doing something I know is wrong, I'd rather avoid Seun Opaleye or Toni Tones through that entire period just so I don’t have to confess to them. Cos I know once they see me, I’d be different and they’d know something’s up, and then I’d have to tell. So I’d wait till I’m through and then go “remember when…”.
Yet I still wonder, in close friendships, relationships and even Marriage, is there a Degree of Disclosure that should not be reached?
Is the degree of Intimacy in our relationships determined by how much we tell or not tell?
Is it alright to NOT tell all? How do you decide which information is for sharing and what should be taken with you to the grave?
7 years ago