The Kokomaster Syndrome

A prospective Client and I got talking about the value in Partnerships, over drinks at Base Lounge, Silverbird Galleria yesterday evening.

Not surprisingly, our chief Case Study was none other than the successful partnership between the Kokomaster, D’Banj, and his Producer, Don Jazzy.

My Client was of the opinion that without Don Jazzy, there can be no D’Banj; it’s interesting how he didn’t also see that as being vice-versa.

I instinctively agreed with him when he said that, but on a second note, I actually decided to think about it a little bit more before fully agreeing with him. I will be the first person to say that I’m scared about what might happen to D’banj’s career in the next two years, or even next year.

And I’m terrified of this because as much as I love D’banj, and see him as one of the most distinctive brands to have emerged from the Nigerian Entertainment Industry, he seems to be lacking in the one thing that assures of Longevity in any creative field.

D’Banj lacks quality Content.

I mean check out the ‘Endowed’ single; those beats were MAAADDD!! There is nowhere in the world that you’d hear that song and not want to gyrate!! (LOL..alright I can’t believe I just used that word..’gyrate’)

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As much as I thought it was a nicely produced track, I was already tired of it within the first two minutes of listening to it. The lyrics could not engage me and get me wanting to hear the song again. It’s a nice song to have blasting loudly in my car when I want to drown myself in sound, but that’s as far as it goes.

Art and Music is about making a connection with the audience through every piece that is put out. No matter what anyone chooses to say about Tuface, one solid fact is that he never fails to make a connection (except when he's trying to 'Enter the Place') through his lyrics. His Content, most times gets me thinking about whatever he's talking about, whether I have experienced it or not.

The way it seems to me now, is as though it’s only the Don Jazzy end of the D’banj/Don Jazzy partnership that is making any connection right now.

It saddens me that D’banj has completely lost me at this point. I don’t even get excited anymore when I see him endorsing a product or hear that he’s going to be a part of something, because his delivery has become the same monotonous mantra.

And this is one Artiste I truly believed in..and well, probably still do; otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this.

CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF YOUR AFRICAN VOICE....SIGN THE PETITION

So back to my Client’s statement that without Don Jazzy, there can be no D’banj:

The Activist in me was ready to fight for D’banj and say “how can you say that”, but even the arguments I produced in his favor, to counter my Client’s belief, seemed futile.

I said, “But he was in Ikechukwu’s ‘Critical’ track, and he was great in it!!”

Ahhh...but wasn’t that a Don Jazzy again beat?

The only headway I seemed to make was by saying that D’Banj’s verse of Banky W’s ‘Lagos Party’ remix was my favorite of all and that wasn’t a Don Jazzy track?!

But this gets me thinking, just like in Marriage when two have to come together to make a complete single unit, is it possible that in Life and Business, there are just some people whom we will be unable to reach our full potential without?

If D’banj steps up on his lyrical Content today, and decides to walk away from Don Jazzy, would that be the end of his career, just because they split?

But if this principle applies, then how come whether or not Don Jazzy is producing a track for D’Banj, he ALWAYS makes a Touchdown?!

You know what, I’ve actually now convinced myself that it has nothing to do with a Partnership approved by the gods, but more of the strength each person is bringing to the table. If two people in a Partnership are giving their best, then they will do a fantastic job of COMPLEMENTING each other, not Completing as we’d like to believe.

So my dear Client, I disagree with you.

There is a D’banj without Don Jazzy; and vice-versa.

The only way this can be proven wrong is if D’Banj chooses to remain mediocre in his Content; then, he will forever be NEEDY of Don Jazzy to make up for what he lacks.

Kai..Tariere, you can like to take Panadol for another man’s headache!!!

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Hey Guys, Do You Have The BALLS To Read This?!

A few weeks ago, we talked about the 2 kinds of girls there are in Lagos; for the purpose of that post, I identified them ‘The Lover Girl’ and ‘The Sucker Girl’.

Today, I’m sharing my observations on the different types of guys I’ve seen and interacted with in Lagos.

I will say again, that there may be more types of guys than the three I’m identifying here, but for the purpose of this post, here are my three different types of guys in Lagos (or maybe in the world?!):


The Fly Guy

I don’t mean this in a bad way, but this guy is completely LOST!!

His expressed identity is marked by the fact that he has absolutely no clue who he is. Like with every other human being, the search for meaning and relevance has driven him to embrace all manner of thought patterns and egoic behaviors, as a definition of who he is.

The Fly Guy has become trapped in the false Idea of who he should be, or wants to be, propounded by every single Influential force in this world, other than the one deep within him.

He has no true sense of Self; this is expressed in the things that he uses to define his Self-Worth. You would see the Fly Guy in the clubs, popping Champagne not because he has something to celebrate, or he wants to be generous, but because he feels the need to do that to affirm his worth, not only to himself, but also to people around.

He would also be the Guy who you hear boast about how many chics he has on his case, how much money he has, or basically any other thing he believes would give him some value.

It’s funny because, I know some Fly Guys with genuinely good hearts, but they are sooo lost in being ‘Fly’ that their goodness is choked by the need to be what everyone else expects them to be.

If only the Fly Guy would look deep within himself and search for the core of who he is, Lagos would change overnight, cos we would have way too many Good men in this town.


The Limbo Guy

This guy has had a glimpse of who he can be.

He knows that within him lies the capacity to be a fantastic Leader, Follower, Husband/Boyfriend, and generally an excellent Person.

The problem with him is that he allows himself too many opportunities to be weak.

He knows what is right; he can do what is right; but for some reason, he limits himself from BEING who deep within, he knows he can be.

He has believed the lie that he has to have a certain amount of money, power, influence or whatever, before he can rise up to becoming the person he should be, and so he wallows in the mediocre standards that everyone around him celebrates.

The Limbo Guy constantly has a silent frustration growling on the inside of him. He is not satisfied with where he is and who he expresses himself to be, but he has made himself powerless by the thought that there’s nothing he can do about it.

He’s that guy that you see and would be like “this is a cool guy”, but would turn around and shock you by one really screwed-up thing that he does, which even him would not be able to explain why he did.

If only the Limbo Guy would stop for a moment and say “F*#k it mehn, let whatever wants to happen happen, I’m gonna BE who I know I am, right here, right NOW”, trust me, there’ll be a Revolution in this town.


The God-Man

Alright let me confess, I’m smiling as I’m writing about this Man.

This is a Man. He knows who he is, and has no apologies about it. You can’t blackmail this Man, cos he knows that he is not defined by his past, his weaknesses, or his flaws, but by the resident knowledge that he is from God.

One of the most visible marks of the God-Man is the fact that he takes charge. As a woman, or even as a male, you can’t be around the God-Man and not feel safe.

He is not threatened by anyone, no matter how much more money, power or influence the person has. He is secure in who he is and that security emanates from his veins as some Confidence that everyone perceives, but can hardly define.

The God-Man is powerful by his person. Okay, let me re-phrase; the force of his personality alone, not what he has, commands the utmost respect from whoever comes in contact with him.

In spite of that, he is humble and doesn’t ever see a need to announce himself. He has a kind heart and goes beyond knowing what is right, to actually DOING it.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t make mistakes, but his balls are large enough to allow him take ownership of what he has done and do everything in his capacity to make amends.

Now, don’t think that because I’ve called him a ‘God-Man’ means that he’s some kind of holier-than-thou person who’s always in church or is a Pastor. That’s not what I mean; a God-man can be that guy who everyone thinks is the Villain, because he doesn’t conform to the general standards or expectations. So it’s not a Religous thing, but more a knowledge of Self, and use of that knowledge to touch and impact the lives of others.

Unfortunately, there are only a handful of God-men in Lagos; but the great thing is that the God-Man has an out-of-this-world capacity to inspire the best out of those around him, so I have faith that more and more God-Men would be raised, and hopefully, one of them would come and ask me to marry him. *huge smile*

Anyway, I have to remember that a God-Man is only attracted to a woman who possesses the values he esteems.


So these are the 3 distinct types of Guys I’ve observed right here in Lagos. Checking guys out is a hobby I very unashamedly enjoy, so I’ll be sure to do some more Research on this subject.

For those of you who live outside of this city and know your terrain well, please feel free to enlighten us on the types of guys in your part of the world...

Embracing My Gayness

I remember walking into my house one evening and suddenly stopping in my tracks as I was confronted with a very strange picture being displayed by two Mallams.

A number of them were sitting together on a bench, gisting and laughing. These two particular Mallams were in a position that I honestly had never seen two Nigerian men displaying in public.

One was leaning his head on the shoulder of the other, and the other one had his hand protectively around him.

They looked very comfortable like that, and curiously enough, none of the other Mallams surrounding them seemed uncomfortable about their closeness.

When I could finally manage to roll my jaw up from the floor and stumble into my house in disbelief, I suddenly had the flash of a thought: “Am I the one with the problem here? Have I been somewhat conditioned to immediately label two men displaying that form of Intimacy as being Gay?”

With a shudder running down my spine, I realized that the answer to my questions were ‘YES’.

Popular Culture has made us believe that any form of Physical or Emotional Intimacy between two people of the same sex, which doesn’t conform to the poor standard that it has set, should be defined as WRONG!!

So we have accepted that Thought, hence my immediately labeling two men who have found a level of comfort and Intimacy between them as being Gay.

It is also possible that they could have been Gay, but I don’t think I have a right to make an assumption on their Sexuality unless they confirm it to me themselves.

Are we selling ourselves short on the quality of relationships we can experience from both the opposite and same sex, because we just can’t take the Sex equation out of our perception of Intimacy?

By the standard we live in today, seeing a Guy and Girl very close must mean they’re sleeping together.

Seeing two girls who love, respect and admire each other, and would look for every opportunity to lift each other up rather than tear down, must mean that they are ‘Carpet Munching’ (lesbians for the clueless..Lol)

It really is sad, because a lot of people are hurting desperately and in need of true, meaningful relationships, but are missing out on that because of the fear of being labeled. And who can blame them?

As for me, if loving my girlfriends and being committed to them evolving into the Women that I know God wants us ALL to be, and also expressing that love to them in words and actions, makes me gay, well then, Gay I am.


Me and my dear friend, Didi Agbahor

After all, if they can say Jesus was gay because the Apostle John was always leaning closely into his side, who am I that they won't say the same about?!

My thoughts on the Alicia Keyes, Mashonda & Swizz Beats Love Triangle

A couple of friends and I were chatting about the Alicia Keyes and Swizz Beats affair.

For the benefit of those who have no clue, Swizz Beats was married to Mashonda Tifrere, a singer/Songwriter who he discovered in 1998. They have a 3 year old son together. They recently split up after reports of an alleged affair between Swizz Beats and singer, Alicia Keyes.


Swizz & Mashonda

Alicia and Swizz Beats have now come out openly with their affair and are even expecting a baby together. The couple is also engaged, and plans to tie the knot later this year.

Now most of the people I was having this conversation with voiced out their contempt and disgust for Alicia Keyes, and the fact that she did not only have an affair with a married guy, but also allowed him leave his wife for her.

About the having an affair with the married guy part, I didn’t say much, except “Let him who has no sin cast the first stone!!”

Well, I said it in my mind sha, otherwise na me dem for stone finish!!

I was more interested in the “allowing him leave his wife for her part”. Let’s open this up a little by extending it also to a guy who has a girlfriend or basically anyone who is committed to another person.



It seemed to my friends as though I was on Alicia Keyes side, but the truth is I’m not on anyone’s side, I just like to understand a situation from the perspectives of all parties involved.

From Mashonda’s perspective, I can only imagine the pain and shame involved with not only knowing your man is seeing someone else, but the fact that he is doing it openly and everyone seems to know about it. Even more painful is Swizz’s lyrics on Drake’s ‘Best I Ever Had’, where he is clearly referring to Alicia when he says:

“Wake up in the morning and my baby cooked me breakfast, A’s wearing nothing on but a necklace…She gave me a party at the Guggenheim…What’s next? The ring? The baby?”

Alicia Keyes did have a birthday party for Swizz beats at the Guggenheim Museum in New York. Mashonda claims the song was made and released while she was still involved with Swizz.


Mashonda

So I feel her pain, which she communicated in a letter to Alicia Keyes, describing how the affair with her husband has hurt her entire family.

From Alicia Keyes perspective on the other hand, hmmmnnn.. It’s hard!

I’m sure every one of us can relate to wanting something so bad that you are willing to go to sometimes, any length, to getting it. When you want like that, you become so focused on getting that thing that it is very easy to become blinded to the pain and anguish you might be causing someone else, as you try to create your own ‘Happiness’.


Alicia Keyes

Alicia Keyes, if we go by all the allegations against her, was only expressing the innate selfishness that is the nature of all human beings. I can only imagine the things she would have told herself to help justify her actions.

“Oh their marriage isn’t working out anyway”, “It’s me he loves, and I love him, we have to be together”, “We’re greeaattt together! That must mean we belong together!!”


Swizz Beats & Alicia Keyes

I doubt that she put a gun to Swizz’s head and said, “You must leave your wife and be with me”, but does she also have a responsibility as a woman, as a human being, as a lover, to say “I know we love each other so much, but leaving your wife would cause her and your kids tremendous pain, so as much as I want to be with you, I don’t think you should”.

Should she have said to him, “You’re a great guy and your place is with your family; as much as I want you, I also want you to do the right thing, which is to remain with your wife”.

If Alicia Keyes had taken any of these two approaches, would that have been more of an expression of her love for Swizz Beats??

Isn’t love more about inspiring the person you love to do the right thing and be a great person, rather than demanding that the person forsake their conscience or responsibility, to satisfy your own Wants?!

I know Swizz Beats is probably looked upon as the bad guy who just saw a better deal and moved on, disregarding the vows he took and his children’s need for a stable home with both parents. I know it’s clear that he simply ‘followed his heart’ and ended his marriage to be with the one he claims to love.


Swizz & Alicia

I doubt that it’s easy for ANY man to take the decision Swizz took to leave his wife for his lover. But as hard as it is to leave, it takes more balls and strength of Character to actually stay.

As I write this, I doff my hat to ALL the men who have loved or had deep passion for any woman outside of their marriage or relationship and had the balls to stick to their original commitment.

I know it’s not easy, but whoever said doing the right thing is.

Your heart may truly be with the other person, but your responsibility is first and foremost to do the right thing, and then let God deal with the rest.

It’s very easy to sit in the comfort of our living rooms and judge people for the choices they make in different situations, but I guess the reality of their choice hits home harder when we ourselves are faced with the same.

Until we meet again, this is Tari Ekiyor, standing in for Jerry Springer..LMAO!!!

The Lover Girl VS The Sucker Girl

Lagos – The Land of Opportunity

Indeed. For a Single Girl looking for a relationship in which she can have ALL her needs met.

Now depending on what those needs are, Lagos provides just the right blend of men to satisfy the needs of the very demanding Single Girl.

There are two kinds of Single girls in Lagos (well, more actually, but for the purpose of this blog post) the Lover Girl & the Sucker Girl.

The Lover Girl is defined by the obvious: she believes in love. She might have had her heart broken and barbequed thousands of times, but she’ll still offer the pieces to the next deserving (in her mind) man that comes along.

The Lover Girl never tires of giving of herself, her resources and her heart; she will go to any length for a Man just as long as he is giving her the one thing that she desires – good loving.

The Sucker Girl on the other hand, has one mission and one mission alone: to hoover a Man of everything he’s got. His money, his connections (I hate that word!!), and any other thing that has the capacity to elevate her out of her present reality up unto a more desired level of comfort or achievement.

The Sucker Girl has over time hardened her heart to expecting any love; to her the language of love is chi-ching!!

If you love me you will DRROOOOPPPP for me!! She has no time for long thing.

She doesn’t even bother with any long conversations with a new guy if he doesn’t pass her initial Bling Test. The Sucker Girl always seems to be in full control of what’s going on and would only play the Love Game if it puts her in a better chance of getting more from the Man.

She is very intelligent when it comes to identifying the needs of the man she’s hoovering, and will shoot her Love game up if it’s something she identifies that he needs. That for her is usually quite a hassle as she would have preferred if the guy could just understand the relationship for the Arrangement that it is, rather than expecting her to now listen to his issues, or do any of those Lover things.

The few times she even considers loving, because she has been so brutally judged by all for her Sucking, she is not taken seriously and so she withdraws and hardens her shell, positioning herself for more intense Suckery. She will only love on her own terms and especially with someone who she may even know is Sucking on her.

The Lover Girl doesn’t care too much for money. If it comes with the Love Package, she will enjoy it but it never becomes her primary reason for being in a Relationship. The danger of being a Lover Girl however is that there is no available Insurance to take out on the certainty that your heart will be crushed.

We all know this town is rough, and the Lover Girl knows it too, but still insists in taking chances with her heart. Unlike the Sucker Girl, she is often perceived as weak and helpless and for the most part, feels that way.

Even when she tries to harden up and take rather than give, she finds herself falling back to her old ways because let’s face it, it’s just not who she is.

Either way it’s not easy being a Lover Girl or a Sucker Girl in Lagos. It’s not easy whether you choose to go for the Man OR for the Money.

Both have their own hazards but everyone still survives one way or the other. After all, this is Lagos, Survival is the name of the Game.

Top 5 Flirt-Devors That Are Destined To Fail

Flirting is the process by which a sexual or romantic interest is initially communicated through certain gestures, words and/or physical contact.

If you’ve NEVER flirted before, then you might need to take a Test of Human-ness!! Most likely, not all your flirt-devors (flirt endeavors hahaha) have worked; some may have landed you a drink over your head, a slap or two, a hiss, or even the most harmless but worst form of rejection..being Ignored.



Whatever the case, there is hope for you, as TARIERE is giving you tips on the cursed forms of Flirtation. Knowing these will definitely set you on the right path, whether you’re a girl or guy..

1. Spaced -Out: The right to maintain and have your Personal space respected is a natural right. Crowding someone to communicate your interest is a NO-No pleeaassee!! Forget all those silly Mills & Boons that would go “..and when he towered over me and overpowered me with his stably cologne…my heart stopped and I felt dizzy at the thickness of his gaze..” All that one does not work in Naija ooo..the sun is already too hot!! We need space to breathe!! Keeping a respectable distance while trying to talk to me for the first time tells me that you respect me and are not too presumptuous about how I’ll respond to you.

2. Pick-Up Lines: As in seriously, who invented these?! Why have they not become extinct?? Do they even work? I’d like to know one person that has ever had a successful relationship based on a pick-up line!! Maybe it’s cos I’m a Writer, but seriously, I wouldn’t even acknowledge a guy who comes and uses a pick-up line to try to talk to me. Whatever happened to being original and coming up with your own?! I can’t stand Copy n Paste guys so that’s a definite destined to fail Flirt-devor for me!!

3. Over-confident Aggression: I thought I was going to pass out with irritation yesterday while trying to have a quiet lunch by myself at a little Delicatessen tucked somewhere in V.I., and I kept being harassed by some loud and very full of himself man!! I came in alone, was sitting alone, and clearly wanted to be alone, so what on earth made him believe that by aggressively telling me over and over again to come and sit with him, I would somehow swoon and start rubbing his pot belly, I’d never know. As a woman (and I know its same with guys) I looove attention and so I want to believe that when a guy is flirting with me, it’s because of Me and not what he believes about himself. I want to see that he finds me attractive and wants to be with me, not that he thinks he’s the best thing that can happen to me just cos he’s rich, good-looking or influential.

4. Lewd or Sexual Overtures: I’m sorry ooo, some people probably think these are sexy, but I personally find them disgusting!! Till today, I lost all respect for one particular guy, who I know lots of girls who'll bark like dogs if he asks them to, just because he was trying to flirt with my friend and you wouldn’t believe what he did..he LICKED his lips!! Aahhhhhh..imagine standing with someone, staring intently at each other (cos he is really HHOOTT) and all of a sudden, he 360degrees licks his lips!! My friend almost tripped as she tried to run away in disgust!! Whatever happened to Subtlety?! And Girls..leaning over to ‘reach’ for something and ‘accidentally’ bumping your cleavage in his face?! Sooooo not sexy!! Destined to fail Sexual Flirt-devors also includes un-called for references to specific body parts on the other person.

5. Verbal Sexual Overtures: Part 2 of number 4 above, which has to do with situations like these: maybe I say “OMG…that’s sooo huge!!” talking about maybe an ice-cream cone or something random and guy responds saying “yeah, I get told that a lot”!! Loooll..alright tell me that’s not annoying. Can’t think of other even more annoying ones right now but GOOSSHH!!

So those are my 5 Destined to Fail Flirt-devors!! These apply for guys and girls..I know I’m speaking mostly from the girl perspective because it’s what I know but I’m certain that we girls also do some or all of these.

Please feel free to fill in any blanks I’ve left out...

Can A Nigerian Woman Have It ALL??

Please listen in on this Conversation.

The Venue is my office, which has a breathtaking view of the Ikoyi Lagoon and Banana Island. The time is Sunset:

This conversation is mostly in Pidgin English. Get an Interpreter if you don’t understand!! Lol

Girlfriend: (looking out at the beautiful view in awe) Kai!! Make God quick give me my rich husband wey go put me inside one of these houses ooo!!

Tari: (irritated) Why?! Because you don’t think you can put yourself in one?

Girlfriend: (facing me) No not that! But Tari, so if you get money now now now, you go go buy house for Banana?!

Tari: Sharply mehn! Waterfront!! I go even move into the uncompleted land, go dey live there like that!!

Girlfriend: (spreading hands open) Then you no wan marry be dat now! You think say man go see say you get house for Banana and go wan marry you?!

Tari: (confused) As in..I don’t get! What does that have to do with anything?

Girlfriend: Tari wake up abeg…you tink say you be oyinbo?! No Nigerian man is going to want to marry you as you de like this, come get house for Banana.

Tari: (speechless)

Please I bring this matter to you. Is this true??

Does the young Nigerian woman who appears relatively comfortable, drive away the prospect of her ever getting married to a Good Nigerian Man?!

Can a Nigerian woman have it ALL?!

"I Love You, but I can NEVER tell you what I did!!"

I recently entered into one of what I refer to as my ‘Quiet Modes’.

It is a period during which my entire internal self goes absolutely quiet. I can’t hear myself, and I go about doing everything like I’m in some form of Auto-Pilot or something.

My ‘Quiet Mode’ is usually triggered by confusion about an issue or situation; when I’ve done something I don’t really like; or when I’m deeply hurt, afraid or uncertain.

This particular one was caused by hurt and uncertainty. Two of my closest relationships recently got all weird and distant, leaving me unsure about many things especially as regards myself, and so I withdrew into my safe ‘Quiet Mode’.

In both cases, I knew for sure that I was the one who screwed up. All of my close friendships are very solid, and mean a lot to both me and the other person because they are founded on complete honesty and openness by both parties.

Recently, however, I kind of screwed that up because I wasn’t completely honest about certain issues with my friend. My dishonesty wasn’t as a result of me intentionally trying to be deceptive, but rather because I wasn’t first honest with myself, and by lying to myself, I ended up misleading my friend.

That hurt him really bad and caused him to withdraw from me as he felt he couldn’t trust me anymore.

The second screw-up with my other friend was as a result of being a little too honest. I messed up, and then confessed what I did to him. He also felt that he couldn’t trust me because I had guaranteed him that I would not do what I did, and then by going ahead to do it, regardless of the word I gave, he now feels as though he can’t believe anything I say anymore.

So both of these my two very close friends, have sort of kept their distance from me as they don’t feel that the trust and openness which our relationships were initially founded upon, isn't there anymore.

So now you probably understand why I felt so unsure about myself and had to withdraw into ‘Quiet Mode’.

The 2nd situation especially got me thinking; I wonder if I should have kept quiet about what I did. I mean I knew I had screwed up and could have resolved within myself not to repeat the action, then lied to him. After all, since I was already going to do something to change myself regarding what I did, I didn’t have to go and spill the beans.

Everything would have still been well and good, as he would never have had to know.

But then the problem with me is that I’m such a giveaway. Like, it’s so hard for me to hide stuff from the people I really care about and am very close to. Even with my female friends, if I’m doing something I know is wrong, I'd rather avoid Seun Opaleye or Toni Tones through that entire period just so I don’t have to confess to them. Cos I know once they see me, I’d be different and they’d know something’s up, and then I’d have to tell. So I’d wait till I’m through and then go “remember when…”.

Yet I still wonder, in close friendships, relationships and even Marriage, is there a Degree of Disclosure that should not be reached?

Is the degree of Intimacy in our relationships determined by how much we tell or not tell?

Is it alright to NOT tell all? How do you decide which information is for sharing and what should be taken with you to the grave?

5 Most Likely Places to Find a Boyfriend in Lagos

First of all, let me outline the qualifications that make me an authority on this subject:

• In this past weekend alone, a total of 4 days, I met 5 great, and I do mean gr-eeaaatt guys, who could make an ideal boyfriend for any girl with good quality taste in men!!

• If you read my ‘Nabbed for Relationship Identity Theft’ column on 360Nobs, you would understand that one of the primary causes of the somewhat dysfunctionalities of some areas in my life, is as a result of having had TOO many boyfriends!! So finding a boyfriend is not really a problem for me, but keeping myself sane with them is more the issue.

• Finally, I have an in-built compass that steers me in whatever direction where there are good-looking, fun-to-be-around, decent men.

So having qualified myself as an Authority on the subject, I shall proceed to give you the JUICE:

1. Fast Foodies: Yes, you heard me right. Men are very solution-oriented unlike us women who can dance around the emotional aspect of an issue for years. So a hungry man is not going to start dilly-dallying about what he wants to eat, but will dash into the nearest fast-food place to get a meal. This includes Pizza Parlours, Shawarma locations and co. where they have to sit and wait a few minutes before their order is ready. I tried and tested this on Sunday after church when I went for a pizza. I saw a nice-looking guy sitting all by himself and went over to ask if I could sit with him. It didn’t take me 2mins of talking to him to see that he was someone worth seeing again!! Pity I was just looking for great Pizza and not a boyfriend..


Yuuummmmyy...

2. Adrenalin Arenas: Most men looovvee to compete; they literally become like little boys all over again as they try to win that race, or outshine a friend..especially when there are girls watching. Again this weekend, I discovered that one of the best places to find a boyfriend in Lagos is at the Adrenaline Arenas. Try Go-karting, Basketball courts, Soccer pitches and Bowling. It was at the Go-karting arena on Saturday that I saw one of the most attractive men I’ve ever set my eyes on. He was sooo attractive that I spotted him from miles away and reported his presence to my girlfriend. While walking out, he happened to be in my way, so I thought ‘What the heck, I might as well introduce myself’. I did and he soon wanted digits, which I gave. Never hurts to make a new friend..even though I suspect him to be like 12!!

3. Cinemas: This may sound cliché for going on a date, but it is a definite Man-hunt Zone. There are tons of guys in Lagos who are very quiet and don’t like to announce themselves. These guys have few things that excite them, ranging from Comic books, Japanese cartoons and even Sci-fi/Action movies. So they’d go to the cinema alone to watch that new Sci-fi flick they’ve probably been waiting to be released since January. He would sit at the far back, in the darkest section, so he can’t be seen or bothered by anyone..except maybe the strange witty girl at the back who makes him laugh during the movie and ends up being his unofficial date. Trust me; I have guy friends that fit this category who it has happened to. You can be that girl!! (wink n nod)



4. Libraries/Book-Shops: Being a book lover, I often go to Book shops alone and randomly select books which I sit and read there. You wouldn’t believe the traffic of smart, artsy, intelligent and interesting guys that pass me by whilst I’m there.

5. Coffee Shops/ Bars: Before I got an office, I used to work out of Coffee Shops and Bars. I would literally resume there in the mornings and close in the evenings. If not that I was too focused on my work to care, the amount of guys that resumed and closed with me would not have allowed me to do my work well. They are mostly guys in the Arts, Entertainment or basically Business men who don’t have an office yet so come to get work done and have meetings in these places. So girls without jobs, instead of sitting your butt at home and watching Africa Magic Yoruba (lol), get out there with your laptop and look Work Fabulous while you pretend you don’t notice all those guys staring!!

This is all for now. I’ll try to think up some more and share. Remember it’s all about knowing the demo/psychographic of the man you want and then just ‘happening’ to Be where he can find you.

P.S: If you want details of some names of the places you can visit, send me a personal mail on tariekiyor@hotmail.com

As usual, your views are always welcome…

Wife Material OR Glorified Housegirl?

Gone are the days when you ‘court’ (gosh..that word!!) a young virgin and she’s never left alone with the suitor or even husband-to-be, let alone, see the inside of his home.

Today, as I’m sure you are aware, the average girl in a relationship believes that if she doesn’t fully move in, or set up monuments of herself in the guy’s home, she is setting herself up for a major takeover by a sharper babe.

So the novelty of leaving your own home to move into your husband’s after the wedding, has been completely (please prove me wrong!) lost in our 21st Century Relationships.

In that kind of situation, the girl may often find herself in a position where she has to cook, clean, and basically take up all duties regarding the maintenance of both the man and his home. Note that in some or most cases, there may or may not be a ring on her very tired and dusty fingers as she strives to put even a seasoned housewife to shame, by the intensity in her efforts.

The motivation for her, as she de-glamourises herself in the guy’s kitchen or while washing his boxers, is the voice in her head that keeps repeating, “He will see how much of a wife-material you are and know that he can’t afford to let you go”.

So she scrubs even harder or strives to cook much better.

Alright I’ll just shut up and go straight to the point: Is there a limit in a pre-marriage relationship to how much of herself a girl should give/show a guy?

At what point does it become a ‘See-finish’ situation?

For as long as a guy has not paid a bride price or said an “I do”, should a girl even lift a finger to do any form of manual labor in his home?

Is an un-married girl who breaks her back to cater for a guy in his home a Wife Material OR just a Glorified Housegirl??!!

Over to you...and guys, feel free to share your side of the fence..

Love vs The Paycheck

Thanks to Africa Magic Yoruba, I have become a veteran Yoruba movie watcher!!

Please bear in mind the fact that I have no clue what they are saying and have to rely on the often retarded sub-titles to understand what’s going on.

Today I caught the first half of a particular one titled ‘Ejo nbe Lorun’ before I had to dash out for a meeting. The situation of the couple in the movie, played by Kunle Afolayan and Lola Alao, caught my attention.


Lola Alao

Both of them worked in the same company, the husband a new employee on the mandatory probation period, the wife a long-standing employee who was a topshot in the company.

A new policy arose in the company, stating that couples could no longer work in the organization; so one of the two have to resign.

The amazing thing about this couple was their individual willingness to step down for the other. As you can imagine, outside influences unleashed their views and pessimism on each of them, letting them know the disastrous outcomes that would be the result if either the husband or the wife, gave up his/her job for the other.


Kunle Afolayan

That was where the wahala began...

In order not to spoil the story for you, I’ll leave it there. However, I’m curious: what would you do if you were in any of their shoes??

My Sweet 26 First Date

This may sound weird, I mean like really, really George Bush wearing iro and buba kind of weird, but I just have to say it….

I went for my first proper date on Saturday!!!

26 and three-quarters years old, been in like 800 relationships, and yet never been on a proper, proper date!! I mean the kind when you meet a guy, give him your number, he asks you out, you agree, you leave him to plan where he’s taking you, he comes to get you, you get into the car...and yeah all proper first date protocol.

I was super-excited on Saturday morning and was hopping all over the place singing “I’m going on a date!!” I felt like I was 14years old and being allowed out with a boy for the first time. Even the matter of life and death decision of what to wear on a first date couldn’t dampen my enthusiasm.

I thought of wearing a short, white dress, in my usual Lagos weekend style, but ditched the idea….didn’t want him to be on a date with my legs instead of me.

Go simple in Skinny jeans and a baby-tee?! Nope...might make him feel just a little too comfortable like we’re already together or something.

So I finally decided on a white vest and dark brown, mid-calf length baggy corduroy pants. Better to look like ass-kicking Lara Croft of Tombraider on a first date than an Ijaw version of Marilyn Monroe.


Angelina Jolie in her 'Lara Croft' persona

I kept him waiting for like 8mins (not good enough yeah?!) while I got ready. It felt damn good keeping him waiting, knowing that he wouldn’t dare complain about it and spoil the Mr Nice Guy persona that he has to have to keep the game going.

He took me to see ‘Date Night’, which was the mid-afternoon special at the cinema. And yes tried the whole putting the arm around me thing in the dark theater. I almost exploded as I tried desperately not to burst out in laughter. My goodness!! I couldn’t believe that he would actually get up to such a cliché gesture!! Anyway, that didn’t last a minute.

The movie was great…..I laughed hysterically at the antics of two of my most favorite people, Steve Carrell and Tina Fey. And then displayed my silliness by shouting “Whacked Off” loudly complete with the hand gesture and all, after an on-screen joke that I only got like 2minutes after. My date almost disappeared into his chair!!


Steve Carrell & Tina Fey in a scene from the movie

Then I almost choked, as he decided that I needed to be fed popcorn and kept on shoving fistfuls into my mouth. My mouthful mumbling of “I don’t want” definitely wasn’t very well comprehended. In a gasping for air kind of moment, with the next fistful on its way, I finally managed to say a coherent, “Please stop feeding me popcorn!!”

We went for lunch afterwards, where he told me about his recently ended relationship, which by my reckoning might be yet another break in their 5year on and off relationship.

I took him for a huge ice-cream dessert afterwards and then we walked the Beach where I demanded that he call one of those Mobile Rasta Musicians to come play me a special song. He couldn’t believe it and let me know that he wasn’t going to be by my side while that happened. I said it was fine. I called the guy myself and surprisingly, my date stayed right by me and we were soon singing the song together long after the Rastaman had left.

All in all it actually was a very interesting and fun first date. I hope my date feels the same sentiment as he looked kind of sad as I skipped happily into my house after refusing his first-kiss gesture.

So how do you rate my Sweet 26 First Date experience??!! I invite you to do with me what I spend hours with my Terror Squad doing: breaking down every gesture, word and/or action that came from my poor date.

Leave comments on TARIERE Facebook group page if you can't comment here...http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=19692&uid=194337937263#!/topic.php?uid=194337937263&topic=19692

So Men need Attention too?!

Wouldn’t it have been simply perfect if our 21st Century world of Dating was exactly like in the fairytales where: Guy and girl meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after?

Well, it seems the Modern Woman, who prefers her Jimmy Choos over any glass slipper, would only live in a house with 7 dwarfs if it was a reality TV show that promised $$$ and possibly a diamond ring at the end, and wouldn’t mind a happily-ever-after with a Beast as long as he can boast of a number of them in his beastly garage, is not going to have it that easy.



A stunningly beautiful girl I met recently was sharing her Man troubles with me. She met a very nice-looking guy, very matured for his age and doing extremely well for himself apart from his wealthy father.

They began seeing each other and it seemed like the guy couldn’t believe his luck at finding her. He treated her like a Princess, and within 2 weeks of dating, introduced her to his Mother and all his friends. She couldn’t believe how perfect everything was, seeing that she had been in a number of dysfunctional relationships in the past and for a while had not been seeing anyone.

They shared a beautiful Valentine’s Day together, with him doing the most romantic things for her that you only get to see in the movies.

All of a sudden, 10 phone calls a day reduced to 2!! Constant Blackberry chatting became her sending a message that would go unreplied by him until hours later….if she even got any response at all. She was dismayed and soon confronted him about his sudden change in behavior, he explained to her that he was under a lot of work pressure, but everything’s fine.

She couldn’t handle the drastic change in the dynamics of their relationship and so began complaining a lot, snapping at him, and demanding more from him.

With the benefit of objectivity, I could see that this pushed the guy even farther away from her, leaving her angry, confused and certain that all guys are truly Bastards!!

That was her state of mind when we met and got talking. I asked her to tell me in detail what his responses were whenever she asked why he wasn’t showing her as much attention. She honestly revealed that he was a very peaceful and easygoing person, and had told her that she had been ‘fighting’ him a lot and he really could not handle that.




As we talked more, she realized that she had been ‘fighting’ him because of her fears and insecurities. Instead of trying to understand that he probably was actually going through a difficult time at work, all she could see was how it affected HER. It became all about “You’re not calling ME as much anymore”, “You’re not paying ME as much attention anymore”.

It doesn’t make her a bad person; it just seems we girls are wired that way. From talking to her and a similar experience I’ve had in the past, I realize that guys actually do also need a lot of attention!!

Attention can come in different ways; understanding, being patient with them…..eerrrr (alright please help me out here!!)

From all she told me about the guy, he actually seemed like a really good guy who genuinely cared for her. I sincerely do hope it works out for them as she tries to focus on loving him rather than being obsessed with how he isn’t loving her.

And they say True Love doesn't exist...

I listened to a young woman tell her story recently:

Her husband’s kidney’s failed and he needed a transplant. All his siblings and his Mum who were a match could not give him one of theirs. His sisters couldn’t give him because their husbands wouldn’t allow them, and his Mum couldn’t because a history of heart problems or hypertension made her ineligible.

So his wife, who was telling the story, promptly asked if she was a match, got tested and immediately offered to donate one of her kidneys to her husband as soon as she discovered she was.

The procedure for kidney transplants is a very delicate one and both donor and donoree can lose their lives in the process. In fact she had to sign multiple forms that confirmed that she was doing this of her own free will should she lose her life. Even her parents had to sign consent forms.

When asked the big question ‘WHY’ she did it, the lady gave a very simple answer: “My husband needed a kidney or he would die; I was a match; I didn’t even think about it beyond that.”



This woman was ready to give her life….sorry…..has given her life for her husband, because there is still major risk in living with only one kidney!!

The question I kept asking myself, apart from if I’d do it if I were in her shoes, was this: What if this man starts treating her bad or wants to divorce her in the future, would she regret her decision then?

There was the story last year about a New York doctor who sued his estranged wife, asking her to return the kidney he donated to her while they were married, until she allegedly had an affair.


Dr Richard Batista and Wife


I mean it’s a heroic gesture to give your kidney or any other vital part of yourself to someone you love, but I guess the test of the unconditional nature of the ‘love’ that prompts one to give so much, comes when there is a failure of the other party to meet one or all of your expectations of the giver.

All I could do after I listened to that woman tell her story was pray that God will give her the grace, so that regardless of whatever her husband does or does not do for her in future, she will not regret her decision.

We all have said or been told “I love you” at one time or the other, but the mark of true love is to give of oneself generously and expect NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING in return.

God help us.

She A'int Messing With No Broke N***A With A Dream

A couple of friends and I were in a very hot debate about this issue:

A guy and girl both in their late 20’s are dating. They are one of the most beautiful couple you ever set your eyes on and are very into each other.

The girl is working a regular 9-5 job; the guy quit his regular job a while ago to pursue his dream of setting up his own Record label. He had a very bright future in the 9-5 he was working and in a couple of years would have been reckoned as one of the hottest young people in that field.

Girl doesn’t really understand why he would do this, but decides to support him anyway. As anyone in the Entertainment Industry knows, it can take years upon years to make a break even Underground, not to talk of Mainstream.

So the guy is constantly broke and is still hustling to make the dream happen even amidst pressures from his family and girlfriend to just forget this childish dream and get a ‘normal’ job.

The girl soon begins to feel the pressure as the reality on ground is a direct contradiction of her expectations when she first began dating him. She wants to get married ASAP; age 30 don dey show face!!

The way things are going, it can take another 10years before her guy makes even a single hit track…is she going to wait that long? Is she going to be one of those women who would have to be feeding her husband?

She voiced her fears to her guy and he understood but pleaded with her to be patient, and believe in him and his dream. He tries to convince her that a lot of progress has been made in a short time and it may happen sooner than they think.

Girl is not convinced and soon ends the relationship.

Very shortly after, she begins to date a young, handsome dude with a solid JOB and a very prospective future indeed!! Things are looking serious and quite good for them.

Guy on the other hand is devastated; but the Hustle must continue.

These were the 2 sides of our debate: one side felt the guy is just being childish and selfish, not wanting to accept reality and be a Man.

The other side, felt that the girl cared only for herself and once she saw that the guy wasn’t matching up to her expectation, she dropped him like a used tampon!!

What say you??

How long does it take a Guy to know if she's 'The One'??

Heeeyyyy, Happy belated Valentine’s Day!!

I wonder if there’s a rating system to determine whether the world actually becomes more loving after Valentine’s Day. Maybe I should start that…you never know it may be my answer to Google or Facebook, and the next thing you know you’d be like “she was just some girl who used talk s**t on some blog with a weird name and now she’s worth like $40billion!!!”

Over a lazy alfresco (outdoor for those of you going ‘HUH??’) dinner of drinks and suya with a close male friend, who was going to ditch me soon to go catch his romantic Valentine’s Day movie (ironically called Valentine’s Day!!) with his date, we reached the life changing conclusion that Valentine is simply Overrated!!

We also got talking about a mutual friend of ours who recently got engaged. He was asking me how long she’s been with her fiancé for and I replied that they’ve only been dating for less than 5months. Actually he proposed to her 3months after they started dating!!

Her experience has even been tagged the ‘3month Anointing’ within us girls!!

The conversation after I revealed that went thus:

Guy friend: “Wow!! 3 months!! That’s short…

Me: “Short ke? The guy is a Bad guy I love him!! He knew exactly what he wanted and he didn’t waste any time locking it down!! It takes a guy about 3months to know whether or not he wants to spend his life with a girl he’s with or not!”

Guy friend: “3months Tari?! It takes less than a month!!

There you have it…from the mouth of one stallion!! But that is just one opinion, what do you think?!

SIBR & The Church Crush

Hey, have you ever wondered what TARIERE means? Well I’m going to tell you whether or not you care!! TARIERE means ‘Beloved One’. It is an Ijaw name (specifically Nembe which is a language…or dialect of Ijaw). The Ijaws are a tribe from the Niger Delta area of Nigeria.

Somehow I just felt the need to share that piece of information with you seeing that we’re in the season of LOVE and all! (wink, wink)

My weekend was fabulous as usual!! I realized sometime in the middle of a pedicure on Saturday that I’m a Strong, Independent, Beautiful and Relevant Woman, and so my sense of Fabulosity skyrocketed this weekend and into the week….even now.

On Sunday I took my SIBR self to church. Toni Tones (my super-cool fashion photographer friend) came to church with me. Before I go into the main gist, I have to make a confession: I have a huge crush on a certain guy in church!!

I’ve never spoken to him; don’t know his name or anything else about him except for the fact that he is just sooooooo cool!! He is so not like your regular guy; he has this air about him that says “I make my own rules” and seems to be completely his own person. I find that super attractive.

I just scope (check him out) from a distance. I have also caught him staring at me once or twice but that’s just about the extent it’s gone. Last week, I noticed he was sitting next to this really pretty girl…my heart sank but I decided to watch them a little more before concluding that she was his girlfriend. There were not really any tell-tale signs, just some whispering and laughing together one time.

On Sunday, there they were again!! As soon as I set my eyes on him and he was with her, I decided on the spot that my little scope-fest was over. So I officially ended the relationship that never was….until Toni Tones opened her big mouth.


Toni Tones

I had succeeded in not scoping my Crush for most of the service, and was enjoying myself when Toni suddenly nudges me and goes “Yo! Cute guy…your 12 o clock”. I bent my head and silently prayed that she wasn’t talking about him because I really do appreciate our friendship (all those free photo-shoots I get). When I finally looked up to check out my 12 o clock, sure enough it was him.

I sprang into action and warned her not to even think about it…my territory; we argued back and forth until I decided to drop the bomb on her. “Besides I think that babe he’s with is his girlfriend”. That got her silent for a minute.

Anyway, Toni and I spent the rest of the service comparing their noses and monitoring the Body language to determine if just maybe they could be brother and sister. The girl caught Toni staring a couple of times but that didn’t deter us.

Toni soon turned on me attacking me and calling me a Wimp. According to her I’ve been just scoping him for ages and done nothing about it. She thinks I should have at least gone to have a ‘chance’ conversation with him by now.

Alright now you see the problem is that I’m a very traditional girl. I cannot imagine myself propositioning a guy!! As in what on earth do I want to say to him?! “hey I’ve been checking you out for weeks and have even broken up with you in my mind a couple of times!!” Err…Psycho Alert!!

Toni isn’t taking it lightly at all. She is demanding that I go and talk to him. I on the other hand am completely fine doing the scope-game possibly forever. If our ever speaking depends on me, then it’s probably never going to happen.

But Toni’s got me thinking….am I being the Chicken she has now began calling me? I mean me going to meet him to talk to him instead of the other way around; doesn’t that make me seem a little too available? What if the girl he was with is really his girlfriend and I go and talk to him, I’ll just end up looking like a fool?

Why I ever allowed that girl come to church with me I’ll never know!! But really, Girls, Guys… what do you think? Should I brave it and go talk to him or just play it safe and keep doing the scope game??!

Marriage & Relationships : 21st Century Battlefields??

Donald & Omolara Ayoola is a young Nigerian couple living in Lagos. They are a middle class family that is well recognized within the Lagos social circle, and have the cars, lovely house and the ‘right’ people on speed dial to back up their acclaimed status.

Donald & Omolara are each other’s worst nightmare.

They are constantly at war against each other; bickering and screaming at each other with any slight opportunity. Each of them is always on the look-out for ways in which they can affirm their superiority over the other.

Yes, Donald & Omolara are husband and wife, just in case you wanted to check again to make sure.

Let me give you an instance: Omolara is praying to God in front of her husband, and her prayer goes thus: “God make me richer than my husband; Make me more powerful than my husband; do not ever let me become a slave to him”

In another instance, Donald returns home celebrating a huge deal he has just closed. He begins to beckon on his enemies announcing that they have finally been put to shame. Even Omolara had no doubt as to which enemies he was referring to.

The irony is that in the midst of all this, they were both very broke but were only united in the keeping together of the public façade.

Okay you can stop trying to figure out this couple’s identity now; they are characters from a Yoruba movie titled, ‘Modupe Temi’, and are played by Saheed Balogun and Doris Simeon. Gotcha didn’t I?!



Ever since I saw that movie, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this couple. This is because I’ve heard that pathetic as their situation was, they represent the realities of many married and even unmarried couples.

This totally confuses me because, correct me if I’m wrong, I was of the opinion that marriage was supposed to be a union of two people becoming one. I thought those vows made at altars were a commitment to spend the rest of their lives uplifting the interests and well-being of the other person.

I thought the primary function of marriage and relationships in general, was to completely eradicate that deadly term ‘I’ and establish the more functional ‘We’, as the prefix to anything regarding the couple.

I thought that the competitive nature that is necessary for survival in today’s Capitalist societies, was dropped off at the gate of the house, and exchanged for a loving and sacrificial nature, which is what is to be acceptable at home.

The definition of Enemy is ‘a person who hates or wishes to harm one’. How on earth is it possible that a spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, lover or even a ‘friend with benefit’ can also be an Enemy?

So do you understand my confusion when I hear true-life situations that mirror the Ayoola’s experience? Or am I just naïve or/and desperate to hold on to my seemingly unrealistic expectations about what a relationship or Marriage should be?

I recently heard that people have begun to celebrate Divorce by throwing Divorce parties, and even going as far as having Divorce ‘Wish Lists’ that state the presents people should get them as they are getting divorced.

Depressing as this is, I can’t even blame them, because these days, with the alarming Divorce statistics, it’s blatantly obvious that people are more successful at Divorce than Marriage!!

But really now, What is the problem??

Why have Marriage and Relationships become the 21st Century Battlefields?

Is Love merely a myth like Santa Claus that we have been conditioned since Childhood to expect?

Please share your comments below...

The Paymaster

We’ve been talking about labels for the last few days (well, I’ve been talking about labels seeing that you have shied away from giving your views) The Fallback Girl and the Un-available Man were the two labels that we one-sidedly discussed.

The label I’m sharing today I must admit has had me cracking up since the first time I heard it last week. It is none other than…get ready for it…The Paymaster!!!

The Paymaster as I have come to understand it from a girls’ perspective, is that one ‘Chairman’, the guy that takes care of all your needs and gives you a steady and unlimited supply of cash whenever you need it (and when you don’t).

The girl may reciprocate The Paymaster’s ‘kindness’ by providing sexual favors or err…um…whatever kind of ‘other’ favors that he may require which may sometimes exceed the conventional sexual boundaries…(use your imagination dammit!!!). On very rare occasions, The Paymaster just requires the companionship of a warm blooded young female, and nothing else.

Conversely, there is also the existence of The Paymistress, who plays the same role to tons of young, pretty guys here in Nigeria. Interestingly, some of the beneficiaries of The Paymistress as I’ve heard include certain popular Nollywood actors, Lagos ‘Big Boys’ and even some of our very own beloved music Superstars!!

So there you have it, my revelation of three very important labels which I just got acquainted with recently (…and don’t you mistake that for naivety!!).

I really, really want to hear what you have to say about these labels. I know you have a lot of interesting opinions or experiences to share about them, which I and I’m sure other (anonymous) readers would love to hear.

Your comments are always welcome.

The Emotionally Unavailable Man

“I’m dating an Emotionally Unavailable man and it’s driving me crazy”. That was the revelation made to me by a dear friend of mine who reached the depths of depression and had begun to feel as though life wasn’t worth living anymore.

My first reaction in my mind to her revelation of the cause of her chronic depression was livid anger. I was pissed off by the fact that this beautiful and absolute fun to hang-out with friend had become a shadow of herself just because some guy was using Emotional Unavailability as his excuse to remain un-committed to her.

I literally had to hold myself back from screaming at her to stop making excuses for him by labeling him Emotionally Unavailable when in truth he probably just didn’t want to give her any form of commitment as she was expecting.

Well, thank God I restrained myself; it’s not my words that should cause someone to finally jump off a bridge.

Talking angrily to myself, I said “Someone should give the same guy a suitcase full of free cash for himself, and you’ll see plenty of very available emotions!!”

Pissed off as I was, I decided to take time out to do some research into what the term ‘Emotionally Unavailable’ meant. As far as I was concerned it was just something we women, when in desperate situations with men, convince ourselves is the reason why a man is not responding to us in the way we think he should.

And the men themselves, knowing they probably don’t have a convincing reason why they are not committing themselves to women, have also adapted it as the excuse. I can only imagine how many clueless men have hidden behind the shadow of ‘Emotional Unavailability’ to maintain their freedom to have their way in relationships.

So I began the digging, and as always it is amazing how a little information can cause a complete paradigm shift, if you open your mind to it.

Even though men are most often tagged with this label, Emotional Unavailability as I now realize, is not gender specific.

Put simply, it can be defined as the inability to communicate and share personal feelings with another person.

The Emotionally Unavailable Person (E.U.P) builds emotional barriers between themselves and people or a person close to them, to deny emotional access and remain invulnerable.

The E.U.P is governed by one driving force, FEAR. Past experience or fear of rejection causes this person to guard themselves from any danger of their emotional self being exposed in any way.

The E.U.P will invest heavily in a relationship with gifts, selfless service, attentive listening and basically any other thing that doesn’t require an investment of his/her deep emotions.

It is the natural need for intimacy that drives all human beings to seek relationship. Intimacy is that state of pure and unashamed nakedness of the soul in the presence of another person.

It is being able to be with someone and be ridiculously silly, downright honest, totally unafraid and self unconscious, and yet be loved and celebrated.
It is being able to just be You with another person. Not having to lie or be ashamed of who you are.

Tragically, we are sometimes burnt badly when we open ourselves to others this deeply. However, we can’t allow these bad experiences rob us of the potential joy of finding true Intimacy.

Intimacy can only be achieved in a relationship where both parties feel a strong sense of trust and security toward each other.

When you find Intimacy, then you can dare to say you’ve found your Soulmate.

What a blessing!!

It breaks my heart to imagine that every Emotionally Unavailable Person will lose out on this great blessing, as long as they remain as they are.

Until tommorrow when I bring you the next label, Be Good!!