Friday, July 9, 2010

Please Let's Get Some Things Straight...

This is not an article or any kind of intellectual stimulating post.

Just thought I should put that out there in case you had any sort of expectations. This is me sitting all by myself at a Photo-Shoot, being the Unfriendly, Anti-Social Model Wannabe, working on her laptop while she listens to MoHits ‘I Wanna be Close To You’ from my I-pod.

I really don’t know why I do this sometimes. I retreat into some kind of shell and prefer to watch the people in the same place with me from a safe distance.

There is something on my mind though; I was going through the comments on my Bella Naija article titled 'Why Can’t We Be Friends?!' (oh by the way, I have a new Column on Bella…Yaaayyyyyy!!!), and I’d be honest, that may be responsible for my sudden withdrawal into ‘Quiet Mode’.

I’ve learned over time to be non-reactive toward both positive and negative feedback from my Work, so that’s not what this is about. In the article, I was talking about whether or not it is safe to be friends with your Exes. As usual, I used myself as the case Study, citing the different kinds of reactions I have to memories of past relationships.

I don’t want to spill all the beans for those of you who haven’t read the article, but I REALLY need to say this for my own sanity.

I NEVER try to give ANYONE the Illusion of me being a Saint or even anything close. When I talk about something, especially as I use my personal experience, I’m not going to censor myself or tell the story in such a way as to suit the individual moral codes/ideas/opinions of whoever is reading it.

As a Writer and as a Human being, my comfort zone is being completely honest and open about whatever subject I’m speaking about, whether or not it conforms to the ideals people set for themselves in their heads.

I’m not a Virgin. I have been in quite a number of relationships and YES I did have sex with the people I was with. I choose NOT to define myself by that as I believe my life is a journey and those experiences were merely a little phase I have since left behind.

So if I choose to talk about that in showing the transition I have made, and it insults the sensitivities of anyone reading it, then I’d suggest finding another person who censors themselves much better than I do.

It baffles me that someone’s idea of a ‘Christian’ is one that should shut up about the reality of what their experiences have been so that people can buy the false idea of ‘Holiness’ they are selling. I can only imagine the burden Life is for those who go through it judging and defining themselves by past mistakes and experiences.

So as I sit here being Anti-Social, I’m going to CLEARLY state a few things about myself, to make this easier for you and I. if you are not comfortable with Me as I am, please spare yourself the agony of coming back here:

• I feel ABSOLUTELY no shame or discomfort talking about experiences, positive or negative, which have come together in shaping the person that I have now become. Yes, I do feel Vulnerable sometimes, but it lasts only a few minutes.

• I believe in telling the TRUTH of a story; that means that I will NOT censor myself, if I choose to speak about an issue. If I feel the need to censor myself, I’d rather NOT say anything.

• I truly feel sorry for people who define me by the experiences of the past and even try to address or relate with me based on that; it’s like trying to relate with a DEAD person, because that TARI doesn’t exist anymore.

• I love God with most of my heart. My vices and weaknesses struggle for the very little bit that I sometimes withhold from Him. It’s a struggle, but I thank God, I mostly WIN than lose.

• I interact with lots of DIFFERENT kinds of people, primarily because I am a LOVER of People. Nevertheless, I am completely my OWN person; a feat that has taken only the grace of God to attain.

• I’m not the best person there is, but I think I’ve managed to glimpse the best of ME, which I’m more interested in expressing in ALL I do.

- Oh and yes, I LOVE to have FUUNNNNN!!!!!

Thanks for listening. Now I feel MUCH better. Maybe I’ll go hang out with the others so I can be FABULOUS for the Shoot and not the Grouch I suspect wants to takeover.


  1. Being a God-loving Christian certainly involves sharing your past experiences to those who are going through the same things that you went through in your past, your experiences can be the channel of hope that someone else needs. Yet, a part of me knows that you have to be open to abuses as well (verbal slaughter), it's all a part of sharing. You only have to learn to deal with it well.

  2. I read that post as well as thought to myself, "there's goes another judgemental person hiding behind the cloak of religious-ity" (I refuse to call it Christianity as one of the basic tenets of that religion is to not judge!!!). I often wonder why some people believe that being a Christian and loving God automatically elevates you to a superior state where normal, human desires do not exist; instead of acknowledging the fact that its a constant spirit vs. flesh struggle.

  3. Onyinye, I think that pointing out that someone is/ was wrong is not being judgemental (methinks). If a 'good' Christian told a Christian that sleeping with guys when single was wrong or being an alcoholic crackhead was messedup, that is simply being honest (which I would hope my friends would do for me).

    If the person (with the log in their eye) begins to call her a whole, curse at her and insult her, then thats straight up judgmental.

    Tari, thanks for the article joh, it was nice that you shared your past hopefully those behind you ill learn. I've certainly learnt not to judge from people's past (had a fight with my bf about his past (not cheating oh) that he shared and I made him feel like the devil when in fact, I was right to be upset but wrong to not be forgiving and understanding).

  4. I kind of lean both with the 2nd and 3rd commenters Onyinye and Abj maiden. I read the post on bella naija and I know for sure that I personally would be affronted by comments that are made without regard for the present and based on past actions and perceptions. I hate people judging me and I try to keep and open mind at all times. On the other hand I agree with abj maiden, pointing out truths is just being honest. However, my stance on this issue would just be that the particular comment in question went further by referring to past actions. If there has already been a change then there's no relevance in mentioning what has already been accepted and what the author has made peace with God and herself.

  5. sticks and stones tari, i honestly wish u didn't even "get some things straight" because fault would still be found along some lines. put ur work out there and let it go into the world, however people want to comment is their perogative. Only one judge!

  6. My fellow 360nobs and BellaNaija writer :)
    In my experience, please don't bother about people's negative comments on your articles. Being yourself will get all kinds of feedback from all kinds of people. If the feedback makes you a better writer, take it in. If not, ignore it and move on.

  7. you know dear in your work, negativity comes with the positivity, even more some times....but u keep putting your stuff out there....knowing you owe explanations to no one, but whoever wishes to judge is free to, after all its their mouth or hands as the case may be.
    i appreciate your honesty, and i dey feel u girl!keep keping on!!