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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Relative Loneliness

Life can become pretty quiet when you’re alone. I never really understood the pressure a lot of older and not-so older Single women place on themselves to find that ‘Significant Other’, until very recently.

I heard a lady speak very passionately about what she’s going through as a 40yr old Single lady with not even a toaster in sight. One of the things she said was that people are probably irritated at how loud and talkative she is in public, but what they fail to understand is that she endeavors to say everything on her mind in public as she knows that when she gets back home, she’ll be all alone with no-one to talk to.

I’m currently at a place in my life I’ve never, never been in before: Completely Single. I’ve always been in one relationship or the other ever since I gained consciousness (and I’m not exaggerating). There has always been someone. The prime advantage of being where I am right now is that for the first time in my life, I’m not being defined by who I’m with or the relationship I’m in. I’m discovering myself, the person that I’ve never known all this while, and trust me; it’s a very exhilarating experience.



So I spend a whole lot of my time alone and have now become familiar with the quietness. It was difficult for me to embrace at first, but I am now quite comfortable and appreciative of it. It is in the quietness of my solitude that I have become truly acquainted with the voice within.

But then there is that other voice, the voice of my Experience. The one that always tries to convince me that I’m not enough for myself. The one that is adept at pointing out what I lack. The voice that is like the Umpire with a loud whistle, determined to set me back on the track in pursuit of something, anything.

He has been in charge for the entirety of my life and is doing everything possible to get me back on the Race to attain the promise he holds up at the end of the track. The problem is that in my entire journey my small sense has shown me that there is no end to the Pursuit. There will always be something that ‘if you just take one more step’ you’ll get.

The Umpire points out the possible elation to be found in yet another conquest, the thrill of finding a new high, or even the prospect of a more shattering orgasm. His goal is to keep me in constant pursuit.

But my legs are tired, my heart is overstretched, and my arms are flailing...I think I’m just going to rest.

Rest in the peace that comes with appreciation of where I am. Rest in the knowledge that everything I truly need I have. Rest in the loving acceptance that I’m not perfect, but who ever said that God needed me to be.

Yeah, that’s it...Rest.

10 comments:

  1. Hey Tari...

    Not MIA, so much as I have been pretty busy...

    As to your current status (or would you prefer 'dilemma'), I feel this is just the time for you to explore the real you without the added distraction of catering to another person's needs. Yes, be absolutely selfish and get to know yourself as much as possible. I say this because it will certainly not last forever as the energy you have as an extrovert will certainly attract a person or persons who want to ride your particular ebbs and flows. When you come out of this period, you will be surer in your the reasons you have for taking decisions that affect your person, but remember that you will need to let go of the inevitable selfishness / self-absorption that has developed.

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  2. "there is no end to the Pursuit. There will always be something that ‘if you just take one more step’ you’ll get"...true that!!...this statement is just tooo true, and i think we as people should really learn to live in rest like you said,this cannot be over-emphasized and i'm learning to do just that!...great write-up, people should pick something from it & should truly be blessed by this.

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  3. Awesome read.
    I feel you Girl.....

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  4. @Babatunde: Very true.about the 'inevitable' self-absorption!!

    Thanks all!

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  5. im so loving this right now...its weird no one ever likes to admit that there is a lonly side. tho most times that solitude is very nessesary.im feel u babes.funny thing i was goin to blog about something similer so dont worry you will definitly get referenced..
    wana xxx

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  6. Thank you for sharing...that must have taken a lot of courage.

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  7. your legs should have never been untied in the first place seeing that u are neither divorced or a rap victim. Girls need to stop telling the world that they r sexually active when they are not married. its sending the wrong message!!

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  8. "your legs should have never been untied in the first place seeing that u are neither divorced or a rap victim. Girls need to stop telling the world that they r sexually active when they are not married. its sending the wrong message!!"

    How daft! She is OBVIOUSLY being realistic. If u r a girl, i am sure ur legs have been untied. And if u r a guy, i am sure u have untied a couple of legs. Whats with the hypocrisy???

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  9. no u are the daft one.. She talks about how she goes to church so she is a "christian" (despite the fact that she spends time checking out guys there) So if you are a christian your legs have no business being UNTIED unless as I sed before you are divorced or a rape victim!!! Not every Nigerian girl has given away their virginity because the whole world is doing it. Some ppl still have moral

    Thnaks

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  10. My guy or girl, cool down and read what she wrote again. The message is simple and clear. If u still don’t understand it, I will summarise it for you. She said she will no longer let her happiness be influenced by the society and its values. She is happy the way she is and will take her time to do what she thinks is right and is the best for her in her own time!!! SIMPLE!!! Where u saw "UNTIED", i wonder! She said "But my legs are TIRED (As in, I don taya!!!!!), my heart is overstretched, and my arms are flailing...I think I’m just going to rest."

    And pls oh, since when is it a sin to have a crush on someone in church??? If u want to be a virgin (which i am sure u r not), that’s ur prerogative!!! Nobody is discussing virginity with U here!!!

    "Thnaks", right back @ u!

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