Life can become pretty quiet when you’re alone. I never really understood the pressure a lot of older and not-so older Single women place on themselves to find that ‘Significant Other’, until very recently.
I heard a lady speak very passionately about what she’s going through as a 40yr old Single lady with not even a toaster in sight. One of the things she said was that people are probably irritated at how loud and talkative she is in public, but what they fail to understand is that she endeavors to say everything on her mind in public as she knows that when she gets back home, she’ll be all alone with no-one to talk to.
I’m currently at a place in my life I’ve never, never been in before: Completely Single. I’ve always been in one relationship or the other ever since I gained consciousness (and I’m not exaggerating). There has always been someone. The prime advantage of being where I am right now is that for the first time in my life, I’m not being defined by who I’m with or the relationship I’m in. I’m discovering myself, the person that I’ve never known all this while, and trust me; it’s a very exhilarating experience.
So I spend a whole lot of my time alone and have now become familiar with the quietness. It was difficult for me to embrace at first, but I am now quite comfortable and appreciative of it. It is in the quietness of my solitude that I have become truly acquainted with the voice within.
But then there is that other voice, the voice of my Experience. The one that always tries to convince me that I’m not enough for myself. The one that is adept at pointing out what I lack. The voice that is like the Umpire with a loud whistle, determined to set me back on the track in pursuit of something, anything.
He has been in charge for the entirety of my life and is doing everything possible to get me back on the Race to attain the promise he holds up at the end of the track. The problem is that in my entire journey my small sense has shown me that there is no end to the Pursuit. There will always be something that ‘if you just take one more step’ you’ll get.
The Umpire points out the possible elation to be found in yet another conquest, the thrill of finding a new high, or even the prospect of a more shattering orgasm. His goal is to keep me in constant pursuit.
But my legs are tired, my heart is overstretched, and my arms are flailing...I think I’m just going to rest.
Rest in the peace that comes with appreciation of where I am. Rest in the knowledge that everything I truly need I have. Rest in the loving acceptance that I’m not perfect, but who ever said that God needed me to be.
Yeah, that’s it...Rest.
7 years ago