Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Emotionally Unavailable Man

“I’m dating an Emotionally Unavailable man and it’s driving me crazy”. That was the revelation made to me by a dear friend of mine who reached the depths of depression and had begun to feel as though life wasn’t worth living anymore.

My first reaction in my mind to her revelation of the cause of her chronic depression was livid anger. I was pissed off by the fact that this beautiful and absolute fun to hang-out with friend had become a shadow of herself just because some guy was using Emotional Unavailability as his excuse to remain un-committed to her.

I literally had to hold myself back from screaming at her to stop making excuses for him by labeling him Emotionally Unavailable when in truth he probably just didn’t want to give her any form of commitment as she was expecting.

Well, thank God I restrained myself; it’s not my words that should cause someone to finally jump off a bridge.

Talking angrily to myself, I said “Someone should give the same guy a suitcase full of free cash for himself, and you’ll see plenty of very available emotions!!”

Pissed off as I was, I decided to take time out to do some research into what the term ‘Emotionally Unavailable’ meant. As far as I was concerned it was just something we women, when in desperate situations with men, convince ourselves is the reason why a man is not responding to us in the way we think he should.

And the men themselves, knowing they probably don’t have a convincing reason why they are not committing themselves to women, have also adapted it as the excuse. I can only imagine how many clueless men have hidden behind the shadow of ‘Emotional Unavailability’ to maintain their freedom to have their way in relationships.

So I began the digging, and as always it is amazing how a little information can cause a complete paradigm shift, if you open your mind to it.

Even though men are most often tagged with this label, Emotional Unavailability as I now realize, is not gender specific.

Put simply, it can be defined as the inability to communicate and share personal feelings with another person.

The Emotionally Unavailable Person (E.U.P) builds emotional barriers between themselves and people or a person close to them, to deny emotional access and remain invulnerable.

The E.U.P is governed by one driving force, FEAR. Past experience or fear of rejection causes this person to guard themselves from any danger of their emotional self being exposed in any way.

The E.U.P will invest heavily in a relationship with gifts, selfless service, attentive listening and basically any other thing that doesn’t require an investment of his/her deep emotions.

It is the natural need for intimacy that drives all human beings to seek relationship. Intimacy is that state of pure and unashamed nakedness of the soul in the presence of another person.

It is being able to be with someone and be ridiculously silly, downright honest, totally unafraid and self unconscious, and yet be loved and celebrated.
It is being able to just be You with another person. Not having to lie or be ashamed of who you are.

Tragically, we are sometimes burnt badly when we open ourselves to others this deeply. However, we can’t allow these bad experiences rob us of the potential joy of finding true Intimacy.

Intimacy can only be achieved in a relationship where both parties feel a strong sense of trust and security toward each other.

When you find Intimacy, then you can dare to say you’ve found your Soulmate.

What a blessing!!

It breaks my heart to imagine that every Emotionally Unavailable Person will lose out on this great blessing, as long as they remain as they are.

Until tommorrow when I bring you the next label, Be Good!!


  1. Giving a man space will ALWAYS help them grow closer and more committed to you.

    It’s the age old “Man Comes Home From Work” story that every women who’s been with a man has experienced.

    Man comes home from work. He’s tired and had a long day. Woman is wanting to connect with him and wants to talk. Things go badly. The end.

    Best of luck!

  2. Hello Christian,

    I couldn't help laughing at your emphasis on 'ALWAYS'.

    It's interesting that giving someone space is what is sure to draw them closer to you!!

    Anyway, when it comes to relationships, 2+2 is never ALWAYS 4 or even 5!!

    Thanks for commenting.

  3. Truly, Fear and the Past could pose a barrier to a man commiting. Finance definitely plays a major role too. Cos every man has this thought of how much they believe they shd have before walking any lady down the aisle. But, I dare say, when love captures, u wouldnt wanna leave the girl in the market for too long! Else, you wld be biting ur fingers in the valley of Couldhavebeens, Shouldhavebeens.
    I found her and walked her down the aisle STRAIGHT. I forgot I had no savings. lol