Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Kiss Ass Theory

“Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where are all the philosophers of this age?”

Err probably chasing after some star; in underground schools pursuing levels of education that are yet to be initialized; or scratching their un-shaved heads as they try to come up with the next big lie (or their own version of truth) that would confuse the world much more than it already is.

Great philosophers live beyond their time through the idea or collection of ideas they propounded in their lifetime, which are now either pitching countries at war against each other, impoverishing the majority for the benefit of the opportuned and (very rarely) bringing the comfort of understanding life’s simple issues to complex men.

Some Renowned Philosophers and their Theories: A brief lesson from someone who had to re-take her Philosophy Course 3 times while in University

John Stuart Mill and his theory of Utilitarianism (or Greater Happiness Principle) which states that the basic guide to moral action should be the maximization of pleasure and the minimization of pain. He believed that actions are right only if they promote happiness and led to the absence of pain. On the other hand, actions are wrong if they tend to produce the reverse of happiness. (Quick question Stuart; what about if my ‘happiness’ is causing another person pain? Oh sorry, you’re dead so you can’t answer me)

Thomas Hobbes and his Materialism and Social Contract Theory in which he respectively states that everything is corporeal (tangible), including God; he believes that the natural state of man is one of war and strife, unless acted upon and governed by the rules of social living. Without Social Contract (laws) society would disintegrate and it would be a war of every man against every man. (Err Tommy, didn’t you notice that this is the case even with the very best of ‘Social Contracts’??)

See why I had to take the darned course 3 times??

Don’t worry I wouldn’t bore you with the philosophies of Karl Marx, Hegel, John Locke, Jean Jacques Rousseau and many, many other great philosophers who have immortalized themselves in the individual and collective minds of humanity, through their revolutionary thinking.

However, there is one philosopher whose identity is a mystery I would love to be revealed. The brilliant mind that came up with what I have coined the ‘Kiss Ass Theory’.

This is a very powerful theory; simpler in its content than any of the thousands of theories propounded by all of the Greats, yet so powerful that it is believed and practiced by people all over the world.

This theory is a unifier in that both the rich and poor, old and young, black and white, male, female and gender challenged , Communist and Capitalist, Democrat and Progressive, Punk Rocker and Hip-Hopper, Gay, Straight and Confused, everyone lives this theory and even endorses it as the way to go.

I’d always been familiar with this theory, even lived it to some degree myself, but I didn’t realize how powerful and ‘normal’ it has become, until the day I was around people who verbally endorsed it as The Way.

I happened to overhear a conversation between two people (alright I was eavesdropping okay, but if they didn’t want anyone to hear they would have moved away abi??), and one was telling the other about an upcoming meeting with a Governor who he/she is supposed to get a contract/political appointment from (I’m sorry, I just cant resist trying to confuse you!! (Insert: Tari’s evil laugh)).

The other person’s instinctive response to what he/she had just heard went thus: “Ah that’s great!! No wahala, you’ll get it. Just tell him of all the wonderful things he’s been doing in the State and how he’s the best Governor the state has ever been blessed with. He’ll be very happy….”

The conversation went on and on and on, I’ve gone ahead to award that particular conversation the title, ‘A Crash Course on Rain Seeking: The Naija Way’.

Maybe it would have been better if I had not even heard the Conversation, because it left me very confused, and trust me that’s never a good thing for me. I was confused because this particular state which the Governor in question runs has one of the highest poverty rates in the country in spite of the amount of resources generated from it; the majority of people in that state live in such a state of squalor that should be rendered criminal!!

What I’m saying is that it is blatantly obvious to even a lay dog that nothing, no form of social development, is going on in that state. It is mind boggling that any sane Nigerian, who sees and knows this, and actually has an opportunity to sit with the Governor who can make the difference for all those ‘voiceless’ people dying everyday because of his inaction, would be concerned only in puffing up his already over-inflated ego just to enrich his/her own self??!

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A Rain Seeker is quite simply someone who derives (or tries to) economic benefit for political patronage.
The Rain Seeker is first cousin’s with The Sycophant who is a servile seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people.

Please raise your hand if you know any Rain Seeker or Sycophant.

Please raise your hand if you are a Rain Seeker or Sycophant.

Please raise your hand if you’ve ever wondered why Nigeria is the retarded giant she is.

The Kiss Ass Theory is the ‘Social Contract’ that all of Nigeria has consciously or unconsciously signed in the bid for self preservation.

Whether it’s in Politics, Business, Friendship, and even in Religion, everyone just says what the next person wants to hear. The remnant who even attempt to say what needs to be heard are in such danger of extinction that they just give up and try to save their own behinds.

The heartbreaking truth about the efficacy of this Theory, especially with regards to the Conversation I eavesdropped in, is that the possibility of that person winning the Governor’s favor using what was learned from the Crash Course, is riding on 95%!!

Femi Anikulapo-Kuti laid it down to us as it is ‘TRUTH DON DIE!!!

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Femi Anikulapo-Kuti (with the sax)

The tragedy is that unlike Jesus Christ, truth doesn’t have the power to resurrect on its own. It’s up to you and me to decide if we want to be liberated from this Social Contract.

Speak the Truth.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s sometimes not easy (what the heck, I’m still reeling from the strong lie I told yesterday); however it’s the only way forward, and we can do it.

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