Saturday, August 22, 2009

What am I so afraid of?

“F**k Fear!!” I screamed to no-one in particular as I was being tormented in my car last week.

That was my involuntary response to the reign of terror Fear had unleashed in my mind recently. I have had it!!

I knew I was completely screwed when I got into my car and just as I was about to turn the ignition, became accosted by the thought that the car was going to explode as soon as I started it.

The fear was so real and brutal that I actually didn’t start the car and ran back into the house, knowing that I was being ridiculous but responding to the fear all the same.

I never really understood the term ‘paralyzed in fear’ until my recent experiences. I found out that death is truly to live in fear.

A life lived in constant fear is no life at all.

My brand of fear is unique in itself. It is so baseless and sometimes truly absurd, but I doubt if there is any other kind of fear that can step up to it.

It is the fear of the unknown.

I don’t know if it has anything to do with my hyperactive and sometimes twisted imagination, but a lot of times that I’m literally crippled by fear, it is of something that there is absolutely no indication that it exists or is going to happen.

Take for instance my car situation; what are the odds that the car would have blown to bits if I had turned the ignition? Probably less than 1%. Yet it felt so real and I was so sure that it was going to happen.

It was at the point that my fear began to completely control my reasoning that I had to step out from the wall I was backed up against and ask myself the all-important question:

What am I so afraid of?

I realized that my greatest fear is actually a fear of not knowing. I am absolutely certain that there is no situation that I’m confronted with that I cant handle; where I’m unable, it is still possible because then I’ll turn to God and He’ll step in and handle the situation Himself or give me whatever I need, be it wisdom or strength, to deal with it.

However, the fear of not knowing, of living in an illusion that is far from my reality, is something that I contend with everyday.

Whatever the situation is, bring it on! I wanna know, because then all that’ll be left is to research my heart and seek answers from the deposit of Himself that God has left within me, and then I’ll face the situation head-on.
But if I’m to be completely unaware that the situation exists, even though it may have a direct or indirect effect on me, is a bliss that I want no part of.

So how do I deal with this fear of mine? The fact that I don’t know makes me afraid all over again.

I don’t wanna die by living in fear. The just shall live by Faith.

I’ve had to question the faith I claim to have in God. Why am I so afraid, if I truly believe Him, when He says “Do not be afraid, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”?

Why do I keep watching my back if God is truly my rear guard?

Why have I chosen to bow down to this fear when He that is in me is greater than all things?

Why do I fear not knowing, when He that knows all things and makes everything work together for my good is alive?

To be honest, the fear still shows itself; but praise God, for it is struck by the sword of faith that I now wield.

The Battle wages on, but fear not, for we know the end.

The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom.

No comments:

Post a Comment